Oh Happy Day!

Today is a great day!  I had two of those horrible drains removed and I feel awesome! I think I am almost too excited to sit here and write about it. I laughed, I cried, and I even danced in the grocery store parking lot. You have no idea what this feels like for me.

First, there is the relief that two of those painful drains are gone. I was beginning to feel like a Cenobite...you know...those scarey looking monsters with all the tubes from the Hellraiser movies. Every move I made caused pain, but I moved anyway because I couldn't just sit still. I was terrified that they would get infected, or that I would yank them out, or that the doctor would tell me that they would be in for longer because the color of the yuck never changed. Every pain I experienced had me running to the mirror to examine them and the areas around them, looking for signs of infection. But the biggest relief for me came as I realized that this whole nightmare is almost over.For the first time in months, I felt genuinely ecstatic.

Since this began, I have run a whole gamut of feelings, some of which I pushed away or buried so deep because I stubbornly refused to give Cancer the satisfaction of breaking me. In my mind this whole time, Cancer has become not just some diagnosis, but more real... like some Evil Overlord trying to invade my home and destroy everything I love. When I am alone, I sometimes find myself thinking not of the cancer, but at the Cancer. Like we are two warriors on a battlefield, I scream in defiance. Cancer... you can take my hair... I will grow it again. You can take my breasts... they do not define my femininity.I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel a pang of loss, or a moment of disgust. My scars will be badges of honor; the places where they once were will still be beautiful, just different. You can cause me pain as we battle with chemicals, knives, radiation and blood will run. But you will never take anything away from me that really matters... In fact, the more you take from me, the tougher I become. I am like a sword, forged in fire, beaten and then quenched, only to become stronger.