Well... It's almost that time. Surgery day. Can I just say that I am seriously conflicted?
The day they told me I had breast cancer, my first thought was "Well, geez... whack these puppies OFF!", but then we went through the chemo and I had four months to start dreading what is quickly zooming towards me- Surgery.
I have never had a major surgery. I am one of those lucky few people who has gone tripping through life with little more than a few minor injuries that required stitches, but never have I had to be completely knocked out for hours while someone I don't know well has me laid out on a table wearing just my surgical undies. You know, they have Law and Order episodes about stuff like that. So to say I am a bit apprehensive would be an understatement.
Actually, I am flat out terrified. I try real hard not to play the What If game, but I find that impossible lately. What if I don't wake up? What if they get in there and it's worse than they thought? What if I wake up and they say that there is nothing more they can do? What if....man, I hate it those words. I hate the feeling of powerlessness I have right now because there is nothing I personally can do to change anything at this point. I just have to wait and see.
Every single day I have prayed over and over for God to protect me and those I love. I pray that everything will be okay, that I will come through the surgery fine, that I will go through recovery fine and that I can return to my normally scheduled life of work, home, friends and family. I ask everyone I know to pray for me. Sometimes I feel like I am bargaining with God. Please make everything okay God and I promise to be a better person. I promise to try harder.
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