One of the first strange side effects of the medication to fight the nausea of chemo was the change in my sleeping patterns. Every day I would be up around 4am. There really isn't much a person can do at 4am. It's not like you can run the vacuum, or do any serious house cleaning because everyone else is sleeping, so I spent my early morning hours sitting with my coffee, waiting for the sun to rise and talking to the only person I knew was also awake right then... God.
I talked to Him about my fears. I am not going to lie... I am afraid of dying, but not because I worry about my afterlife. I worry about the people I leave behind. I worry that I have not done enough to protect them since they both depend on me so much for support. I worry about dying in pain. I worry about what people will remember about me. Did I do everything I could to live the life that God directs us to lead. Have I helped people? Did I make a difference in the world? What more could I have done? I think back over actions I did and actions I have not done. I think about the three homeless people in Charlotte who I gave clothes, shoes and groceries to. I remember the man I caught shoplifting soup, who, instead of turning him over to the police, I bought the soup and some groceries and let him clean up in the bathroom while I heated his soup in our microwave at work. I remember the baby of the crack addict we housed for two months while her mother got cleaned up. I think about the homeless man we took to thanksgiving dinner because no one should be alone on the holidays. The local artist living in a house full of junk with no heat, but the most beautiful art that I am trying to help sell some of his work. Nothing in this seems special. It's exactly what anyone would do when God puts a person in need in their path, but is it enough? What more should I have done? What opportunities to make someone's life better did I miss?
I think about my mistakes. The people I hurt over the years. The ex girlfriends who I wish I could apologize to, but who will never know how sorry I am that I hurt them. The distance I placed between myself and my family when my parents divorced. The people whose requests for help I dismissed because I questioned their motives. I go over all my sins of pride. The way I look down on some people and think to myself that they aren't trying hard enough to fix their situation. The people I have harbored bad feelings for in my heart. You know, it is a hard thing to look at the dark side of yourself and admit that all that icky stuff is a part of you. It's harder still to admit that you have done nothing to change it, but instead you bury it, or cover it over with rationalizations when the truth is, you could have done things differently.
So, at 4am, God and I talk about these things. I have no way to make amends for my wrongs, but I ask God to forgive me and give me the chance to start fresh. When I feel the old thought processes starting, I ask for the strength to change them. And yes... I ask God to heal me so that I will have time to make myself into a person worthy of being remembered. I may never do big things, like form a Susan G Komen type foundation, but I will make a difference in every life that I can. I will make certain that every person who comes to me in pain, in need of comfort or in need of anything I have the power to supply will not leave without whatever I have to give.
I don't know if you've heard this story but I want to share it with you.
ReplyDeleteThere was a little boy walking down the beach throwing stranded starfish back into the surf so they wouldn't die. An adult comes along and says: "Why are you doing that? It dosen't really make a difference."
To which the boy responded by chucking another starfish into the water and said: "Made a difference to that one."
We are all that little boy. We all do what we can, when we can and often never know the difference it may make. But it does. Truly it does.
Love you.
Thank you for that thought. I know every little act we do has some effect in the world. The customers who I hug in the store after listening to what is on their mind are like those starfish. I guess all we can do is save the ones we can and pray for the ones we can't.
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