Well lately I have been doing a lot of mental wandering. You know how you find yourself staring off into space, not really thinking of anything, but instead you are thinking about everything? I have spent a lot of time doing this. So much so that My darling wife was getting worried. But there is nothing to worry about. I have just been woolgathering.
I think about the close call I just had. My lungs were so full of fluid that when I saw the CT scan, all you could see was fluid, with less than a couple of inches of lung left on my right side. I was literally drowning in my own fluid. Just a little more time and I could have died. That's a scary thought. I mean, I know that I am facing the Big C which ultimately will result in the same thing, but I just wasn't expecting it so soon. Luckily, we caught it in the knick of time.
I think about what my future holds. How many more close calls will there be? What, in the end, will be the end of me? Will it be something like the fluid build-up? Will it be a heart attack? Or will I just waste away slowly?
I think about the fact I never had children. And I wonder if that chance is gone. I mean, I know I can't carry a child, but could my eggs be saved and maybe make a child later? Would that be something I should do? Who would have it? What would become of my mini-me? Would that be fair to the child?
I worry that my days being a productive member of society are numbered. How much longer can I have a normal life, one where I go to work, come home and live like everyone else? When will I be forced to stay home, and what will I do with myself when I can't go out to work everyday?
I think about what other loose ends I need to take care of. The re-arranging of the house to get ready for the time when I am homebound. Where will I find the energy to do it all? Am I burdening Michele with all the things that need to be done to get ready for when I do become an invalid? I mean, I know that we have started early getting ready for it, but it just seems that the past month I have gotten very little done. Of course, I have been sick. Really sick. And really sick for the first time. None of the other chemo treatments have made me as ill as this whole fluid thing did, but then again, none of them put a huge hole in my side, or caused me to depend so much on pain meds and sleep as this has.
I feel like all I do lately is sleep. And I understand I need the sleep to heal, but I sometimes feel like I am sleeping my life away. Is that really a quality life?
I think about the close call I just had. My lungs were so full of fluid that when I saw the CT scan, all you could see was fluid, with less than a couple of inches of lung left on my right side. I was literally drowning in my own fluid. Just a little more time and I could have died. That's a scary thought. I mean, I know that I am facing the Big C which ultimately will result in the same thing, but I just wasn't expecting it so soon. Luckily, we caught it in the knick of time.
I think about what my future holds. How many more close calls will there be? What, in the end, will be the end of me? Will it be something like the fluid build-up? Will it be a heart attack? Or will I just waste away slowly?
I think about the fact I never had children. And I wonder if that chance is gone. I mean, I know I can't carry a child, but could my eggs be saved and maybe make a child later? Would that be something I should do? Who would have it? What would become of my mini-me? Would that be fair to the child?
I worry that my days being a productive member of society are numbered. How much longer can I have a normal life, one where I go to work, come home and live like everyone else? When will I be forced to stay home, and what will I do with myself when I can't go out to work everyday?
I think about what other loose ends I need to take care of. The re-arranging of the house to get ready for the time when I am homebound. Where will I find the energy to do it all? Am I burdening Michele with all the things that need to be done to get ready for when I do become an invalid? I mean, I know that we have started early getting ready for it, but it just seems that the past month I have gotten very little done. Of course, I have been sick. Really sick. And really sick for the first time. None of the other chemo treatments have made me as ill as this whole fluid thing did, but then again, none of them put a huge hole in my side, or caused me to depend so much on pain meds and sleep as this has.
I feel like all I do lately is sleep. And I understand I need the sleep to heal, but I sometimes feel like I am sleeping my life away. Is that really a quality life?
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