I have been offline for a while lately. Sorry avid readers... I have unfortunately entered the most fun area of dealing with the Big C... Pain.
So I need to spend some time here discussing this because it is a huge deal. I mean like elephant in your bathroom huge. Absolutely no way to ignore it. You can't work around it. There is no pretending it isn't there and the fact of it being there fills every second of the day as you try desperately to figure out how to get rid of it. It stinks. It fills your daily life with unnecessary poop and makes you irritable. So... if anyone had any plans to store an elephant in their bathroom... take it from me... bad idea.
Let me start with describing my pain. To start with... Imagine a short sword with a blade the length of the space from you spinal column straight across to your armpit. It's about 6 inches wide as well. Someone has taken this knife and shoved it into my back starting at my spine and ending in my armpit. It has been shoved underneath my shoulder blade so that whenever my mystery torturer is bored, they can wiggle it up and down and back and forth causing my shoulder to feel like it is being yanked out of my back.
Next... a group of pygmies have shot about 15 red hot stone hot arrowheads into my armpit. The arrows run from the top of where your armpit arm grows all the way straight down to where your last floating rib is located. Also, these arrows are hollow so that they can be filled with fluid, and on days when it is raining or going to rain, the pygmies inflate the area under my arm so that I cannot lower my arm the entire way and I walk as though I am about to break into a one sided version of the Chicken Dance.
Meanwhile, some very cruel person slit open the right side of my chest, inserted about 15 jellybeans, 7 coffee beans and 8 skittles, plus a nest of fire ants. So my chest burns, tingles, swells and has all these little lumps and bumps that hurt when I lay on them, or touch them, or wear anything that touches them, so I spend a lot of time topless. Then as a final indignity... there is an evil person with a voodoo doll of me who keeps sticking me with knitting needles at random times of the day. It comes out of no where and suddenly I am grabbing at a spot, gasping for breathe and growling because as quick as the jab came, it is gone.
All that is on the right side of my body. I bet good money that other stuff hurts in other places, but it probably can't make itself heard above the howls of these various pains. And yet... I still get out of bed every day. I still go to work. I still try to do something... anything... other than just lay there. Truthfully though... when I don't have to be at work, I sit in a chair with my vibrating massager and stare off into space, trying to meditate the pain away. I can't concentrate on anything. Every second of my day revolves around trying to keep the pain down to a dull roar. I have no interest in anything lately.
So today I talked to the doctor and we are going to try stronger meds. Those of you who know me well, know how I feel about pain meds. I hate them. I hate feeling out of control. I hate not being alert and I REALLY hate having to depend on a pill to function. But what I hate more than that is this lack of a life that I am existing in, where all I do is wait until the next time I am allowed to take a pill. So... I start my new regimen tomorrow. It will take about 7 days to see if this is effective, and if it isn't better in 7 days... I am not waiting... I am calling and saying "What's next?" I can't continue to live like this. It makes me grouchy and impatient and totally uninterested in other people, and that is so unlike me. Maybe I have been snatched by the pod people?
So I need to spend some time here discussing this because it is a huge deal. I mean like elephant in your bathroom huge. Absolutely no way to ignore it. You can't work around it. There is no pretending it isn't there and the fact of it being there fills every second of the day as you try desperately to figure out how to get rid of it. It stinks. It fills your daily life with unnecessary poop and makes you irritable. So... if anyone had any plans to store an elephant in their bathroom... take it from me... bad idea.
Let me start with describing my pain. To start with... Imagine a short sword with a blade the length of the space from you spinal column straight across to your armpit. It's about 6 inches wide as well. Someone has taken this knife and shoved it into my back starting at my spine and ending in my armpit. It has been shoved underneath my shoulder blade so that whenever my mystery torturer is bored, they can wiggle it up and down and back and forth causing my shoulder to feel like it is being yanked out of my back.
Next... a group of pygmies have shot about 15 red hot stone hot arrowheads into my armpit. The arrows run from the top of where your armpit arm grows all the way straight down to where your last floating rib is located. Also, these arrows are hollow so that they can be filled with fluid, and on days when it is raining or going to rain, the pygmies inflate the area under my arm so that I cannot lower my arm the entire way and I walk as though I am about to break into a one sided version of the Chicken Dance.
Meanwhile, some very cruel person slit open the right side of my chest, inserted about 15 jellybeans, 7 coffee beans and 8 skittles, plus a nest of fire ants. So my chest burns, tingles, swells and has all these little lumps and bumps that hurt when I lay on them, or touch them, or wear anything that touches them, so I spend a lot of time topless. Then as a final indignity... there is an evil person with a voodoo doll of me who keeps sticking me with knitting needles at random times of the day. It comes out of no where and suddenly I am grabbing at a spot, gasping for breathe and growling because as quick as the jab came, it is gone.
All that is on the right side of my body. I bet good money that other stuff hurts in other places, but it probably can't make itself heard above the howls of these various pains. And yet... I still get out of bed every day. I still go to work. I still try to do something... anything... other than just lay there. Truthfully though... when I don't have to be at work, I sit in a chair with my vibrating massager and stare off into space, trying to meditate the pain away. I can't concentrate on anything. Every second of my day revolves around trying to keep the pain down to a dull roar. I have no interest in anything lately.
So today I talked to the doctor and we are going to try stronger meds. Those of you who know me well, know how I feel about pain meds. I hate them. I hate feeling out of control. I hate not being alert and I REALLY hate having to depend on a pill to function. But what I hate more than that is this lack of a life that I am existing in, where all I do is wait until the next time I am allowed to take a pill. So... I start my new regimen tomorrow. It will take about 7 days to see if this is effective, and if it isn't better in 7 days... I am not waiting... I am calling and saying "What's next?" I can't continue to live like this. It makes me grouchy and impatient and totally uninterested in other people, and that is so unlike me. Maybe I have been snatched by the pod people?
I am so sorry to hear that you are in such pain. As if what you've already endured wasn't enough. If there's ever anything I can do to help or cheer you up, or if you just want someone to come and visit with you, I'd be happy to do it. Just say the word and I'll make it happen.
ReplyDeleteI am not fit for human company these days. BUT,,, as soon as I can get this manageable, I wanna come up and have lunch with you. Cause I miss you and I need hugs!
ReplyDelete