The day off (Trial day two)

Day two was my day off. I think after attacking and bruising every vein, my body just needed a day of rest. And what a great day it was! Two of my old friends live right down the street from where I am staying, so I got to spend my day reconnecting. Marie came over to the hotel and we went to sit and talk at the restaurant next to the hotel. We talked about love, loss and dealing with getting older. We caught up on ten years of gossip. We talked old friends, new choices in life, old flames and what exactly is love? We talked about the future, the past... the way that the Big C has changed so much. It was a great talk... one of those ones that goes on, goes in circles and goes to your heart. It was exactly what I needed.

Then we went to her rehearsal. Let me tell you a little about my friend Marie... Marie is an Opera singer. Her voice is deep and rich and makes your heart feel every note, even if you don't want to feel the pain or longing she is singing. I remember a performance she did in college of "Send in The Clowns" that had me on the edge of my seat, tears rolling down my face. Her voice somehow finds the shared experience and makes you go through the emotions with her. She sang at my first wedding with Michele. To hear her and Robbie perform from Phantom of the opera is, for me, a breathless experience... so getting to go to any rehearsal with her is a pleasure.

So we went to the church where the small cast is doing what they do. There are two performers for almost every role, and when the whole group sang together, my entire body became one giant goose bump. I could feel the notes under my skin, vibrating every vein, every muscle... and most importantly... every sore and aching lymph node in my chest. I moved around from behind them to sit on the floor in front of them, closed my eyes and just let them sing straight to my sore, sick body.

Afterwards, we went out with Robbie for dessert and yet more conversation. Again, we talked life, love, death and of course memories. It was very cathartic for me.

Then they took me back to the hotel, where we played with the elevator floors. Seriously... I have to figure out how to get some of those floor tiles in my house.

In talking to Marie, we discussed forgiveness and regret in relation to past relationships. You never realize how much of your current life is formed by past relationships until you sit down with a friend after a 10 year separation and look back over everything. How the betrayals stop you from connecting. How your own guilt over your part of the bad relationship help you to build better ones now, or sometimes how you make yourself pay over and over for things that you can't fix. I have often said that the person I was years ago is not anyone I would like to be now. But being that person somehow brought me to where I am today. Would I change anything from my past? Probably not, mainly because that would make the current me a different person. We discussed whether a person ever truly changes. Can a person who does so many wrong things ever change? Or is the essence of you set in stone, and your choice of actions the only mutable thing?  So, if you are essentially a good person very deep down, but you act in certain negative ways at one point in your life and change to a better person as you get older, is it really that you changed, or is it just that the real You is finally taking over? How do you know exactly what the real solid You is?  Can you ever teach an old dog new tricks?