This may be a long one, so bear with me. Also... this might be a time to remind anyone who reads this that I have made a choice to be completely honest in everything I post, but that all the opinions are mine and mine alone... and sometimes the things I think and say may not be pleasant.
Michele's father passed away June 7th. It's amazing how you can go from ecstatically happy to unbelievably sad in such a short period of time. To add to that, my birthday is also that week. It's hard to explain. To know that I have time is amazing. To celebrate a birthday that I was afraid I wasn't going to see felt like a victory. To hear that my partners father, who she loved so dearly, was gone was sad. To try to help her cope with her mixed emotions was frustrating, confusing, depressing and at times I felt completely bewildered. I can't speak for her, so I can't say what all was going through her head. (I have asked her several times to feel free to post anytime she wants, but as yet she still hasn't) All I can say is that my heart hurt for her. So, of course, I rearranged work so that I could go with her to the funeral. Who wouldn't? The thing is... her mother has never liked me.
I know there are lots of women out there who have difficult relationships with their in-laws. Mine is probably not any different than anyone else. I have never understood the why of it, but she doesn't like me, has never liked me and I don't expect that to change.I have often wondered how to change it. What exactly could I have done differently in the past... what did I say or do that started this and how can I make our not so hot relationship not have an impact on Michele's relationship with her parents. So, I have done my best to stay out of situations where I might do something or say something that will add fuel to the fire.And of course... since she doesn't like me... I am not crazy about her. Strangely, I have always expected that eventually we would be taking care of her, and you know, I am okay with that. That is what you do for family. No matter what, your parents and your spouses' parents will eventually need you to look after them, and this is something you do no matter what the history you have behind you is. I'm not saying that it would be easy... after all, I am only human, and really... even asking Him to help me not have a cold heart or mean thought doesn't always work. I have said some things in the recent past I wish I could take back, but you can't un-ring a bell.And if I am perfectly honest with myself, it's not that I would take back what I said, just how I said it. Again... I am only human and I make mistakes. (This goes back to some of the things I talked about in earlier posts about looking at the things in your life that you aren't proud of and admitting that there are some ugly things inside yourself.)
But that's really not what I wanted to talk about. I mean, it feeds into what I want to talk about, but I am not writing this to absolve myself of being an ass, which unfortunately I am sometimes. The thing is... I was really unsure about going. My head was like a Greek chorus on crack. Should I go even though I have never been considered by her mom's side to be family? What if I stayed home? Would that be worse? What should I say? Should I say anything? Should I sit with the family or should I sit in the back or should I stay in the bathroom? Do I give my MIL a hug, a handshake or just stay away? What do I need to wear? Should I wear a hat or a scarf? Which will draw the least attention? Should I just go without either and hope everyone thinks my new hair looks okay? What do I do if someone asks me about my health? Is it appropriate to talk about it at all? How do I handle the stress without drawing attention to myself? What do I do if she gets mad at me? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing? What if she wants to let bygones be bygones? Can I do that? Should I ask that? Is there a rock I can crawl under till this is over? What if it were my funeral? How can I help Michele best? How do I keep from being in the way? What if her alcoholic aunt corners me? What if the dogs try to eat Emily? How do you act at a Catholic service? Should I kneel or stay in my seat? What if I don't know the responses? Will everyone understand that I have chemo brain and can't remember names very well? Can I just stay with the half of the family that likes me or do I have to do my duty to the other half? What if I forget to offer condolences to someone that I should?
So... Regardless of the crazy thoughts in my head... I went.
Michele's father passed away June 7th. It's amazing how you can go from ecstatically happy to unbelievably sad in such a short period of time. To add to that, my birthday is also that week. It's hard to explain. To know that I have time is amazing. To celebrate a birthday that I was afraid I wasn't going to see felt like a victory. To hear that my partners father, who she loved so dearly, was gone was sad. To try to help her cope with her mixed emotions was frustrating, confusing, depressing and at times I felt completely bewildered. I can't speak for her, so I can't say what all was going through her head. (I have asked her several times to feel free to post anytime she wants, but as yet she still hasn't) All I can say is that my heart hurt for her. So, of course, I rearranged work so that I could go with her to the funeral. Who wouldn't? The thing is... her mother has never liked me.
I know there are lots of women out there who have difficult relationships with their in-laws. Mine is probably not any different than anyone else. I have never understood the why of it, but she doesn't like me, has never liked me and I don't expect that to change.I have often wondered how to change it. What exactly could I have done differently in the past... what did I say or do that started this and how can I make our not so hot relationship not have an impact on Michele's relationship with her parents. So, I have done my best to stay out of situations where I might do something or say something that will add fuel to the fire.And of course... since she doesn't like me... I am not crazy about her. Strangely, I have always expected that eventually we would be taking care of her, and you know, I am okay with that. That is what you do for family. No matter what, your parents and your spouses' parents will eventually need you to look after them, and this is something you do no matter what the history you have behind you is. I'm not saying that it would be easy... after all, I am only human, and really... even asking Him to help me not have a cold heart or mean thought doesn't always work. I have said some things in the recent past I wish I could take back, but you can't un-ring a bell.And if I am perfectly honest with myself, it's not that I would take back what I said, just how I said it. Again... I am only human and I make mistakes. (This goes back to some of the things I talked about in earlier posts about looking at the things in your life that you aren't proud of and admitting that there are some ugly things inside yourself.)
But that's really not what I wanted to talk about. I mean, it feeds into what I want to talk about, but I am not writing this to absolve myself of being an ass, which unfortunately I am sometimes. The thing is... I was really unsure about going. My head was like a Greek chorus on crack. Should I go even though I have never been considered by her mom's side to be family? What if I stayed home? Would that be worse? What should I say? Should I say anything? Should I sit with the family or should I sit in the back or should I stay in the bathroom? Do I give my MIL a hug, a handshake or just stay away? What do I need to wear? Should I wear a hat or a scarf? Which will draw the least attention? Should I just go without either and hope everyone thinks my new hair looks okay? What do I do if someone asks me about my health? Is it appropriate to talk about it at all? How do I handle the stress without drawing attention to myself? What do I do if she gets mad at me? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing? What if she wants to let bygones be bygones? Can I do that? Should I ask that? Is there a rock I can crawl under till this is over? What if it were my funeral? How can I help Michele best? How do I keep from being in the way? What if her alcoholic aunt corners me? What if the dogs try to eat Emily? How do you act at a Catholic service? Should I kneel or stay in my seat? What if I don't know the responses? Will everyone understand that I have chemo brain and can't remember names very well? Can I just stay with the half of the family that likes me or do I have to do my duty to the other half? What if I forget to offer condolences to someone that I should?
So... Regardless of the crazy thoughts in my head... I went.
And I think you handled yourself very well.
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