Netflix and deep thought.

I love Netflix. I mean like really REALLY love it. I have spent more time watching full seasons of old shows when I don't feel well than anything else. One of the ones I watched recently was Law and Order: Criminal Intent. It was great having something to take my mind off anything and everything. And then came the episode I watched today. Today's episode was the one about the pharmacist who diluted cancer drugs to make money to support his image in the community and to meet his charity obligations to the church. The funny thing is, I notice that the disclaimer at the beginning of the show seemed different for this one. It said that it was based on an actual case!

Oh my Gosh!  Someone actually did this? So I had to look it up because at first I couldn't believe that it was true. After all... I manage a pharmacy and I know tons of pharmacists and I could not believe for a second that anyone in that profession could think up that crime, commit that crime or get away with it. Then I figured maybe the pharmacist only did it a couple of times and got caught. Imagine my surprise to discover that for nine years, an independent pharmacist who was licensed  to compound and dispense IV drugs had been diluting his medications of life saving drugs to make money. Not once or twice, but 98,000 times. Can you imagine? One of the drugs he did this to was one that I have taken (Taxol). Kinda scary. I can only imagine how those patients must have felt when the truth came out.

So, watching the episode and then looking up the actual case made me do a lot of thinking. First, what can make a person do something like this? Or for that matter, what makes anyone commit a crime against another living creature? Just look at the incidents that have happened in the past few weeks, and it's hard to understand exactly what goes wrong in a persons' head that makes them forget that others have feelings too? The pharmacist who did that justified himself by the rationale that the patients were dying anyway. Dying anyway...  And who knows what was wrong with the school shooter, or the man who set a fire so he could shoot first responders. What is going wrong with this world? It's like these people forgot that their victims were actual living humans.

Maybe... and this is just me thinking here... maybe it's because we are losing our connection to the world. I mean, for people who are as "connected" as we are, with our phones that update where we are and who we are with, and computers that ask us how are we feeling... seriously, we really aren't very connected at all. I'm not saying we are all wandering alone in cyber space, but honestly, how often do we have real physical contact with people outside our own homes? I do... but I also invite it. I seek out the people who look like they are touchers or huggers or bump-up-againsters. My day would not be complete without at least two or three hugs, a few arm pats and at least one curl tousling head rub. So I know I am being reminded daily that I am a part of the great family humanity. But how many people go through their days and weeks without touching and being touched? I know... not everyone likes having their personal space invaded, but isn't that one of the things that makes us human, that invasion of our space? Doesn't everyone need to be reminded sometimes that other people are real, that they are the same? Look out at the animal kingdom. They know that touch is an important part of being in a community. They groom each other. They play with each other. They scent each other ( Although I do draw the line at that... no one is going to spray urine on me and get away without being smacked). The point is... animals know that the way to establish ties is through contact. So maybe we need to be a little more conscious of other people and start trying to connect. Smile at a stranger. Don't be afraid of a little contact. Lets try to remind each other that we are all a part of this big family of humanity and maybe the world can change.

If you need a hug... come see me. I'll be at work dispensing hugs and smiles, free with every purchase.

I'm Gonna...

Ahhhh.... Big sigh.... Christmas in retail is finally over. I have made it through another full retail year and have not killed anyone, not even the lady who pitched a full fledged, toddler style, in your face tantrum because my pregnant assistant manager told her to "Have a nice Day, Ma'am."  ( Seriously... When you are twice the age of someone in the South... Expect to be called Ma'am or Sir... We call that manners)

So the new year is almost on us. I have been thinking about the whole resolution thing, and decided that I am not good at resolutions. I mean, unless it's something like "In the new year, I promise that I will change my mind frequently, get irritated at nothing sometimes and take at least one bath a month." Those are some resolutions I can keep. But as for big changes... I don't really know what I would change, or why. Mostly we make resolutions to change bad habits, or to improve our selves. But I would like to make some different resolutions. I think I'll call them the I'm Gonna List.

This Year I am gonna:

1. Throw a baseball. I may not hit anything that I meant to hit, but by Golly I am going to throw one!
2. Attempt to hit a ball with a bat. A baseball, a basketball, a soccer ball.... a Beach ball... something. I am using a bat to hit a ball and I will make it move!
3. Give flowers to a stranger.
4. Dance in public to something on the in store radio.
5. Sing loudly and most likely off key at least once a week someplace other than home or work.
6. Take more walks.
7. Use more crayons.
8. Eat more desserts.
9. Play in my yard. (No... not work in the yard... PLAY in the yard. I will mow in circles, rake up leaves in piles to jump in and probably play in the dirt.)
10. Laugh at least once a day until my stomach hurts.

That is a list of resolutions I think I can keep.

Time heals all wounds (and fades all scars)... Updated Mastectomy Photos

 Well, It's been a while since we last visited the world of Mastectomy scars, so I thought now would be a good time to have an update on what they look like. Remember, in February I had both breasts removed, then in March I had my little accident with the heating pad. Things are looking better...

Kicking the bucket (list)

I spend a lot of time thinking when I am at work. I have to. Work is, at times, pretty mindless. Stock this. Sign that. Move those. Damage these. File that there. So, while I am doing all these tasks, my mind wanders here and there. Today I spent my day dealing with my truck and thinking about an incident that happened earlier in the week. Bear with me... My thoughts are still not very organized.

I have been trying to get in to see a doctor at MD Anderson for over a month. I have been talking about this with my wife and my mother. We have a friend in Houston who we wanted to visit. Since we are going to be there, it seemed like a good idea to kill two birds with one stone and try to get in to the number one cancer hospital to talk to someone about my options. See... I am a very logical woman. It just makes sense, right? I finally heard back from someone at the hospital this past week. In my excitement, I posted about it on Facebook while I was answering a million questions on the phone. (Uh-Oh... Facebook posts... how many "issues" in families start with an innocent status update?) I don't really think anything about it. I never do. I have relatives and friends all over the place who I like to keep informed about what is happening with me medically. FB allows me to inform everyone at once, without having to make a million phone calls, answer the same questions over and over and repeat myself over and over and over... To me, this is logical. Saves time and energy, two things that I have a finite supply of these days. Well, apparently I have some family members who do not think this way. Rather than conserve my time and energy, I should be using extra time and extra energy to inform people individually. I should be thinking not about what is most convenient for me ( the person who has the terminal illness), but I should instead be more concerned about the feeling of others (the people who do NOT have a terminal illness).  Which brought me to my next set of thoughts as I spent 4 hours lifting boxes of candy onto the top shelves of the stockroom bins.

It's hard losing someone you love. Having someone in your life who is dying is hard. You want to spend as much time with them as possible. You cling to them, imagining what life will be like when they are gone... how sad and lonely you will be. How much you will miss them when they are gone. It's stressful and scarey and painful. All of this is true, and all of this is valid. It is understandable that when you have someone who you know is slipping away, you just want to be with them, to be a part of every day they have left. BUT...

Stop for a second and think about something. You think this is hard on you? Imagine for a minute that you are the person who is dying. What would you want?

See... having a terminal illness, I am aware that my days are numbered and you know what? I have some things that I would like to do. Once upon a time, before I really realized that life itself is a terminal experience, I had a list of things I wanted to do. We all have a list, whether we call it our bucket list and have it clearly laid out or maybe it's just a lot of dreams in our heads... things like backpacking through Scotland, or taking a cruise to see whales in Alaska, or learning to play guitar. Whatever it is, we all have something that we want to do at some unspecified point in the future. The difference is... my time is running out and my options have been severely curtailed. Once I dreamed of visiting other countries, of seeing the Hindu temples, of walking the Great Wall, of riding a camel in a desert. Those things will never happen for me now. I will never learn to play my guitar well enough to play in public (even among family) and have  people enjoy it. I will never visit all 50 states and complete my refrigerator magnet collection. I will never compete in another dance competition.  In fact, I could spend a long time listing the things I know now that I will not get the chance to do because of time, health and money, But that would be wallowing in self pity. Instead, I am reworking my list of things I want to do and trying to do as much as I can within my limitations. I can see New Orleans. I can try to see the Grand Canyon.

Unfortunately, my desire to try to experience as much as I can before I am forced to be at home is in direct conflict with some of my loved ones desires. I know this because I am constantly be reminded by others that I "need to think about how this affects so and so", or I really should be more considerate of other's feelings. Funny how the people who advise me that I should spend my last years/weeks/months being concerned about others don't see that I have needs too. Or maybe they just don't think about what they are saying, because to me it comes out sounding like I owe it to my loved ones to give up what little life I have left to make someone else happy and forget about making myself happy.

This led me to the next train of thought, which was that if the above is true, I completely understand why some terminally ill people begin cutting themselves off from others. It's hard having to deal with your own mortality, the loss of your dreams and then deal with the guilt imposed on you by others. You can't say anything to them because that just opens another can of worms as they get mad or defensive, so you either make people mad by trying to fulfil your dreams, or you make yourself mad by giving up all your dreams to please someone else. So, rather than deal with it, you just shut everyone out. Lately I find myself at odd times just wishing this would hurry up and be over with. And then I get mad. And then I feel guilty. And then I wish this was all over with. And the cycle continues until I tell myself to stop. Somehow I will find a way to make this work.

I suppose the biggest thing is that I need to decide what is most important to me... making mysef happy or pleasing others?  That, my friends, is what I think about when I unload a truck...


 

A Game... and How awesome it doesn't involve pink!

My friend Brooke at Daily Dose of Dahl is a riot. I love to read her posts about her kids and Zumba (which I would love to try... but am a little hesitant about right now). She tagged me in a silly post. Unfortunately... she did it at a time we were going through so much Doctor stuff that until today, I hadn't been able to get to it... and then, of course, Chemo Brain kicked in and I completely forgot about it. Luckily... I was catching up on my blog reading and found it again and said... "Oh yeah!  I meant to do that!"  So... These are my questions  or rather the questions she asked me. Then I have to come up with questions and share them with other people. (Let's hope I don't forget that part)

Brooke's Questions:
1. Iced tea or hot tea?
It depends on the season. I love Iced tea on a hot summer day, sitting on the back steps watching the dog run around, listening to the chirp of birds (or the buzz of the cicadas if they are in season). In the winter, I love a hot cup of tea as I snugge in my jammies and blanket petting the cat.

2. What is your least favorite household chore?
Laundry. Few things are worse than handling dirty undies, smelly socks and sweaty clothes. The wait while they wash. The wait while they dry. The folding. The hanging. The great sock mating. The bag of leftover socks (BTW... Have I ever told you about the day my washer produced a University of Michigan shirt? No one in my house has ever gone there, we don't watch any of their games on TV and we have never purchased their apparel, but apparently, when your washer has eaten enough socks, it knits you a random shirt. I am hoping with the number of blue and black socks it has eaten, it is currently knitting a Carolina Panthers jersey.)

3. What is your fondest childhood memory?
My grandfather had a dirty secret. My grandmother constantly harped at him about it, but he never seemed to be able to stop himself. At least once a week he would do it and get caught. It was my fault really. Every time we went out to pay the bills, I would beg and he woud give in and there we would be... at the donut shop. He would order his plain donut with coffee and then I would shyly point at the long chocolate filled, powder sugared donut. That and a chocolate milk were the greatest treats. Try as he might, I always ended up covered in powdered sugar, chocolate ringing my mouth, creme filling in my hair. He would clean me up and we would head home where Grandma was waiting... knowing that we had been there AGAIN.

4. What is the best book you've read lately and why did you like it?
Oh lately I have been feeding my secret addiction. Yes... I am ashamed to say it, but I am a lesbian addicted to historical romance, commonly known as bodice rippers. No... I don't read them for the sex (obviously). I enjoy the costumes, the courtly manners, the impertinent heroine and the mystery that is being solved while the romance is blooming. Strangely, I am not wild about mystery novels... probably because there are no fichues or panniers involved.

5. Do you believe in fate?
sometimes. That is really hard for me to respond to because I hate to think that I (or anyone with a terminal illness) am fated to have this. But then I think about meeting my wife, and I realize that there is no way it couldn't have been fate.

6. What made you decide to start blogging?
That's easy... The Big C. Yep... Getting diagnosed with Cancer made me do it. Oh there are tons of cancer blogs out there, but everyone's experience is different, and my voice is important too. Especially since my doctor repeatedly tells me I am always getting the weird side effects and strange reactions. And then, I needed to "talk" out my thoughts and feelings. Even talking with other women with cancer was not as helpful as writing was. I didn't seem to fit any of the "molds" of survivorship. I am not angry. I am not cynical. I am not convinced that my faith will cure it. or even make it easier to deal with. I am stubborn, logical and realistic. I have a terminal disease with a short life expectancy. I can not wait to do the things I need to do, so I do them now.

7. If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
Pay off bills. Pay off my friends bills quietly. Go to the oncologists office and pay off as many peoples bills as I could afford.

8. What is the one thing you could eat every day for the rest of your life and never get tired of it?
Dessert. ( You really were not specific on this one... and that's okay!) My motto is Eat Dessert First. No one is on their death bed regretting not getting to eat another lite turkey breast on whole wheat hold the mayo... They are thinking " I should have eaten that molten chocolate lava cake with extra ice cream."

9. To be or not to be?
I try to Be as much as I can.

10. What is your favorite hobby - other than blogging, natch.
Piddling. Yes... I am aware that is not a very specific term either, but I love to piddle around doing a little scrapbooking, a little photography, a little arts and crafts, some cross-stitching... you know... piddling.
11.  Truth or dare?
I got nothin' to lose... I am taking the dare from now on!


Now... my questions:

1. Who is the greatest action hero and why?
2. When was the first time you fell in love?
3. What is your fondest wish?
4. Where would you most like to travel
5. If you coud meet any famous historical figure, who would it be and why?
6. What was the best Christmas you have ever had?
7. If you could go back to any point in time to just relive the moment, what would it be?
8. What is your favorite article of clothing?
9. If you could smack just one person and get away with it, who would it be?
10. Catwoman or Wonder woman?

Deck the Halls... Or not

Well, it's Christmas again. Another Christmas in retail. Another Christmas in Cancerland. I barely remember last Christmas. So much was going on...Chemo, side effects, terror over the approaching surgery, worry about the mounting Dr. bills... This year is not quite so difficult. On the other hand, this year I am a lot less insulated from the truth of my diagnosis. This year I am fully aware that my number of future Christmas seasons are limited.

I am not trying to be morose or depressing. Actually, this is making Christmas have a bit more importance than usual. Prior to 2011, when I thought of Christmas, all I thought was how horrible it was. I hated the holiday. Twenty years in retail can do that to a person. Believe me, anyone who works in any service industry can tell you that for us, holidays mean nothing more than more work, more obnoxious people and less time for our own friends and family. In retail, Christmas starts in August. That's when the first shipments roll in the doors. Long before we even start setting Halloween, our stock rooms begin filling up with early Christmas toys, gifts and winter supplies. By October, the backroom is bursting at the seams and we are ready to get rid of Halloween by about the second week of October so that we can put the next season on the floor. By Thanksgiving, all the seasonal that we are going to receive is already there and must be on the sales floor ready to sell. By the time we hit December, we are already selling out of the most popular items and bracing ourselves for those shoppers who wait till the last minute and then are amazed that we are out of stock. Sometimes in the past I have been tempted to grab people by the shoulders and scream at them "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? This stuff has been here since AUGUST. Where were YOU? I mean, it's not like Christmas comes as a surprise... we have one every year on the same date! WHY would you expect us to still have this stuff in stock? My job is to sell out as fast as I can because Valentines is already IN MY STOCKROOM!  I have Cadbury Easter Eggs coming NEXT WEEK!"  But I restrain myself.

Me and my Bestie decorating Mom's Tree

This year, I even thought about putting up a tree. Honestly... you have no idea how big a deal that is. I haven't put up a tree in years. Or rather, I haven't put up a tree in my own house in years. I put up the tree at Mom's house (which I love to do). I put up the trees at work (2ft, 3ft, 4ft, lighted 4ft, 6ft, lighted 6ft, porch tree, spiral tree and light up reindeer). By the time I do that... I am so sick of trees it's not even funny. And decorating??? Are you kidding me? I just decorated an 8000 sq ft store.  But this year i found myself looking at the little villages, the wreaths and the lights and wondering how would my house look if I decorated.  What if I put up some lights? Maybe I should put some candles in the window. (For me this is a HUGE step... even thinking about decorating used to give me hives) Maybe NEXT Christmas I will even put a tree up...

I am the Cat Whisperer!

Remember those two cats I talked about? Well... for a week I visited them and played with them and held them. Sunday, I went to check on them and guess what? Both of them got adopted! Apparently, all they needed was a little love and attention and they became adoptable. They stopped making angry eyes, stopped biting the hands that fed them, stopped hiding from people and started interacting. They both began to seek out attention. Something in their little kitty brain said "Hey!  I am worthy of love... so LOVE me!"

Makes you think, doesn't it.If a week of love and attention fixes cats... could the same work for the people in our lives who are less than loveable?  How many people just need a little love and attention to become more "adoptable"?  And how many of us are like those cats... injured, hurt inside, feeling scared and unsure? What happens if we start seeking the love we deserve? What does it take to make us see that we are loveable?

I know I sometimes am amazed by the love I receive, but I never doubt that I am worthy of it. After all, I am one loveable kitty.

There are two new cats I need to work with. I hope they are as successful. After all... everyone deserves the chance to love and be loved.

Yet more thankfulness

I am Thankful for my friends. I have so many amazing people in my life who have become a part of my family in my heart. I can't say enough about how their love and support has helped me through what could have been the most terrible time of my life. Lucky for me, I have friends who have made this whole thing not so scarey.

I am thankful for my customers. Those people I see every day who make me smile as they tell me how good I look, how they are praying for me and who hug me and pet my hair. It makes it so much easier to keep a positive outlook when I see all the love around me.

I am thankful for my stubbornness. Without it, I probably would have just given in and not come this far. Not many people can say they fought cancer because they are just too stubborn to give up.

I am thankful for dessert. Yes... my motto has become "Eat Dessert first!"  I don't plan to stop eating dessert because the last thing I want is to regret not having more sweets while my health was still great. So... I never say no to dessert. In fact, I think I want some dessert right now!

Some more Thankfulness

Well... I am thankful for medical science. Thanks to various researchers, I am still here. Hopefully, they will keep researching and find a cure.

I am thankful for people who make me laugh. I love to laugh. It's probably one of my favorite things to do. I think a day without laughter is a day that was not worth having.

I am thankful for being an American. I love the freedoms we are blessed with, the choices we can make and the fact that we may all have different opinions, but we are all in this together.

Thirty days of Thankfulness

Gosh... I missed this!  Thanks again Chemo Brain.

So the thought is to catalog things you are thankful for every day. Today is the 11th, so I am a bit behind. Here goes eleven days worth of thanks:

1. My Wife. How I got so lucky to have met the most wonderful, caring woman is beyond me. She supports me in all that I do, she loves me even when I know I am being unlovable, and she is always there to comfort me when I am feeling less than sunshiney.
2. My Mom. Now this is a woman who inspires! She has always done a man's work with a strong woman's body. She loves unconditionally, puts others first and is strong in the face of adversity.
3. My Daddy. Not many men can be the best daddy in the world, but mine is. How many real men can raise another man's child and love her as if she were his own? I never had a doubt in my whole life that my daddy loved me. Even now, I know that he loves me and is proud of me.
4. My animals. What would life be without furry faces?
5. My goofy son. No.... I didn't forget you. How can I forget the boy who calls at 9pm on a saturday to get a banana bread recipe?
6. My extended family. Even though you are all over the place, you are all still with me every minute of every day.
7. My job. As much as I would rather be on vacation having fun, I learned that when I am stuck at home, I miss that place.
8. My health. May I have more of it.
9. My Oncologist. That little woman works nonstop to save lives!
10. My surgeon. Thank you for getting rid of that big yuck and for leaving such pretty stitches in it's place.
11. My Uncle Mel. A Vietnam vet who left us too soon.

Memories

While I was driving around today, I was listening to the CD our uncle made for us of our wedding music. The song we walked down the aisle to was Kenny Rogers "Through the Years." That song always makes me cry. Not in a sad way, mind you, but because it is so true. And while I listened, I thought about the many years I have had with my wife. I remembered some great things... some of which I will share. (Other memories are mine only!)

The year we were first together, we went to the March On Washington. God, we were so young. I remember being politically active... protesting at City Hall when I was in college, marching for my rights, being part of the mass wedding protest. At that age, we didn't realize that by just living our lives openly  we would accomplish more than any amount of marching ever would. I mean... you can hate those strange gays on TV and in the news, but it's hard to keep that same hate and fear when you see your gay neighbor doing the same things you do. Simple things like going to parent teacher conferences, mowing the yard, playing with the dogs, remodeling the house, taking a casserole to a sick friend... these acts become political just because they show how very NOT different we really are.

One year, we had a long weekend and just decided to throw the dog in the car and take off for the coast. We started at Ocracoke and drove all the way to Kill Devil Hills. It was one of the best vacations ever. We didn't do much of anything, except stop to see the sights. We bought a tshirt from each town we went through, took lots of pictures and just relaxed.

Another year, we went to Wilmington in the winter. The beach was deserted. The hotel had a kitchen in each room, so we hung out on the beach, collected shells and ate dinner in the room. I remember bouncing on the bed because I was so excited to be away with my sweetie where there were no crowds.

We took a weekend trip to Brevard and took the scenic route home. That trip was when we found the garnet at the gemstone mine that we had cut and my wife had made into the necklace I wear every day.

We drove to Charleston on the spur of the moment once in the summer (bad idea... summer here is hot, but Charleston is Damn Hot!) and discovered a little place called Stickey Fingers. For years, we would decide we needed ribs and would make the 4 hour drive to Charleston just to have dinner. Now they have them all over... but the best one is still in Charleston.

We always drove to NY to see Ryan in the summer, and we learned that all along the way, there are caverns. We have seen every cavern between here and LI at least once. And if you are driving through Virginia and see the sign for Johnny Appleseed's restaurant... Stop and have the apple fritters. They rock.

We went to Hershey once and toured the factory. That same trip, we stopped at Gettysburg, which is quite sobering. Michele loves the civil war sites. Myself, I find them sad and frustrating. War is so wasteful.

We have gone out on New Years three times. Once we went out just by ourselves. I look at the picture and can't believe that skinny girl in the long back dress is me... but it is. The next two times were when we went out with our dance friends. That was a great time. We danced and laughed and ate good food.

We have had two parties at our house. One was our ten year anniversary, which was also the year after we bought the house. We just opened the gate, fired up two grills and had a party with everyone who showed up.There were kids everywhere with squirt guns, the hose, the kiddie pool. Everyone ended up wet, but Michele got the worst of it. The next was a fourth of july party. That one ended when the neighbors dog ate through the fence.

I have taken Michele to see exactly one Opera. She said... " Oh... thats from Bugs Bunny." and then she slept through the rest of it. Well... at least she tried for me.

I could sit and write all day about my memories with my wife, but I won't. I will say though that I love thinking back over the years and saying "Hey Honey... you remember that time when..." and then just enjoying the memories together. The happiest moments of my life have been in the last twenty years, and I can't wait to make more.

Quick update

Quick update.... Things are going well. I have started my Lymphadema therapy. My arm has been bandaged so heavily that it looks like a cast. It interferes with everything I do. But, the swelling in my arm is going down, so I suppose it is doing what it's supposed to do. Tykerb is treating me well. So far no bizarre side effects aside from the constant burping.  I am doing my best to get ready for the holidays.

Today I went shopping all by myself. I bought some clothes for my youngest niece, as well as a whole bunch of dress-up accessories. I got tutus, princess wands, crowns, fairy wings, two whole pirate sets, an FBI set, a construction hat, a police hat, a SWAT hat, two cowboy hats and an apron. My thought is that she should have a whole array of outfits to be whatever she wants to be, whether it's the fairy chef, a pirate who does construction, the Old West FBI agent or anything she can imagine. I got two of many things because her Auntie Michele will be playing dress up whether she likes it or not. I even got mustaches, silly glasses, clown noses and assorted jewelry. I hope to feed her imagination as much as I can. Now I am busy with getting all the Christmas organized.

I stopped by PetsMart today to get Cleo some aspirin and had a long conversation with the TriCounty Animal group. They have two cats who need foster homes- not permanent homes- just a foster arrangement. See, these two cats are not very adoptable because they are skittish. One is an eight year old Maine Coone Male who was seized in a breeder raid. The breeder had cats who were kept in cages and never allowed out. He is beautifu and was okay with me petting him, but didn't want to be picked up. The other was a female from an abusive home. She immediately was all over me. She is scared of noise, other cats, and fast movements. They want to find someone patient who can rehab these cats. They are mostly concerned about the male. Twice he has been almost adopted, but the age stopped one adoption, and his "angry" face stopped the other. I told them I would think about it. About one of them, at least.  I hate to see an eight year old cat sitting there for over a year with no hope of adoption simply because he has never had the chance to be socialized.

So... that's my week. I hope yours was much more entertaining.

Don't you forget about me

I haven't written much lately. I have been working on scrapbooks, arts and crafts projects and Christmas stuff. At first I didn't really think much about this sudden need to make things... I mean I have always liked doing crafty stuff, but this is getting crazy. But as I sat here working on Ava's scrap book, I realized what is going on with me. It is finally starting to sink in that this is terminal. No... I am not giving up, but I am more aware of how limited my time is.

See... There is, or rather, was a customer at my store who I have been very close with. She has been coming there for over 7 years. She had stage 4 breast cancer. Over the past few years, I have watched her battle it in her chest, her lungs, her eyes and finally it hit her brain. She has been there for me since I was diagnosed, giving me advice, a hug, encouragement and watching her keep on living let me know that I can do it too. A month ago, she stopped Chemo completely. She said she is tired and can't do it anymore. A week later, hospice was called in. A week after that, she was in the hospital. Three days later, she passed. She knew it was coming. She found homes for her dogs, arranged for who was going to take custody of her nephews who both lived with her, got her affairs in order and then she was gone. I watched for the funeral announcement, but it never came. Her family is so dysfunctional they just buried her and never thought that anyone outside of the family would want to pay their respects. I am actually certain that it was mostly a money thing- her brother is a crack addict and her only son is in Iraq. That was all the family she had outside of her extended "family" of people like my store staff, the staff of the grocery store who also loved her, the staff at the hair salon and other people from the community who saw her every day.

It's been a month now since she passed and I think about her at odd times. But the thing is... I remember her. And truthfully, who doesn't want to be remembered? What triggers my memory of her is the sound of someone walking with a cane, the sight of a chihuahua in a car, a woman laughing out loud; things I associated with her visiting me. So I started making things.

Believe me... I am no artist. My crafts are done pretty much the way I do most things, which is "Ehhh... that'll do." For someone who can be such a perfectionist in some areas, that is not one of them. I like what I make, but I know that it could be better. Yet the point isn't to make something perfect, it's to make something that makes the recipient think of me. So, don't be surprised if you open a present from me to find some really odd home crafted something or other. It just means I love you, I thought about you and I want you to remember me when I am gone.

Cancer- Round Two (with helpful hints on dealing with treatment)

Well. It’s back again. The cancer has resurfaced in the lymph nodes behind my heart. It is inoperable because of where it is located. It also cannot be radiated for the same reason. Right behind my heart. Can you believe it? How sneaky can you get? I swear sometimes I think the cancer itself has a brain. How else would it know exactly where to go hide? Ahhh, well… I suppose it could be worse.  You know, I have said before that in some ways, having Stage IV is easier than any other stage. When the doctor told us the news, I was just so happy that it wasn’t in my brain or liver or somewhere else that it was no big deal to hear her say two lymph nodes. I knew it would be back. And sadly, I knew it would be back quick. But I still have faith in myself that I can get through this again. 

So... since I am starting Chemo again soon, I thought I would share some things I have learned along the way. I kept meaning to post these helpful tips and I keep forgetting (thank you Chemo Brain)

Okay... let's start with the four bajillion appointments... Get yourself a calendar to put on your fridge. You go to the fridge every day, so having something there with dates, times and places will help when you have so many appointments. Especially if the appointments are all in different places. Also on the calendar, write down what you paid and who you paid it to. You will be getting a great deal of mail asking for you to pay this and that and it is easy to have one slip past you. Do the same on the bills and set up a file just for your cancer treatment. At tax time, this will be a godsend. At the end of the year, ask your pharmacy for a printout of all your medications. Be sure to keep your receipts for all your health related items, like the bandages, tape, tylenol, and other OTC items that will be a regular part of your treatment. Keep a mileage log just for doctor's trips. You may be close to the office, but believe me, the mileage is going to build up real quick. If you have to visit a specialist out of town, make a note on your hotel and food receipts. Your tax preparer will thank you.

The American Cancer Society has a great folder to help you stay semi organized. Get it. Also... get a three ring binder. You are going to be handed all sorts of information and it is easier to leaf through a binder than to dig through mountains of paper. Your oncologist might be like mine and give you a set of papers detailing possible side effects, with a place to make notes. If so, that's awesome!  DO IT!!! Take notes! Write down each day what you feel like, what weird things you noticed ( Did your toes tingle today? Were your hands swollen? Did your urine change color? Did you get a headache?) and then take the book with you to your appointment. You might only see your doctor every two weeks (or less) and you will not remember everything that you felt or experienced. Remember to rate how much something hurt or caused discomfort according to the scale like the hospitals use (The pain numeric rating scale (NRS), on which patients rate their current pain intensity from 0 (“no pain”) to 10 (“worst possible pain”), has become the most widely used instrument for pain screening). This way, your doctor can help you better manage your side effects.

Your first few appointments are probably going to include a lot of scans that use that gross jelly stuff. Take some wet wipes.

For your safety, get a medical alert bracelet or pendant, preferably one that has a place to write all your info. That way, should you be in an accident, or have a medical emergency somewhere, there is a list of your medications on your person for the EMT's.  Have a card with emergency contacts in your wallet. Ladies... a big purse is awesome for carrying the millions of things we MIGHT need, but a small wallet you can put in a pocket with your insurance card, doctor's info, emergency contacts and a note concerning your health care directives will save time. 

Speaking of health care directives... if you haven't done it yet, you need to do it NOW. Have it on file everywhere you get medical attention. You need to have someone, other than yourself, who can speak for you, access your records and make decisions just in case something happens at a time when you are incapable of making the choices yourself. Also, before you start any kind of treatment, you might want to do some end of life planning. No... I am not being morbid, I am telling it like it is. If you want to be sure that your wishes are carried out exactly how you want them, then you need to take care of it before you start any sort of treatment that could later be used in court to say that you were mentally incompetent. Do you think someone in your family might object to anything you want? If so, that is all the more reason to get it done before you take the first Xanax, Hydrocodone or Percocet.  ( Here are some great resources http://www.caregiverslibrary.org/caregivers-resources/grp-checklists-forms.aspx     Or  http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289 )

Okay... You have your diagnosis and you are about to start chemotherapy. My biggest piece of advice... Get a blanket. Those places are freakin cold! You can always tell who has come for their first treatment because they have no blanket. Oh, they have bag with books, puzzles, their phone, a music player and stuff like that, but after about 30 minutes, you see them burrowing into the chair. Personally, I stopped carrying anything to chemo but this short list : my green fuzzy blanket, my stuffed dog (thank you again Jenn) and a bottle of water. See, I learned quickly that I will sleep through the whole thing, so why carry things I won't need. Dress comfortably. Oh yeah!  and while I am on the subject of dressing, let me issue a small warning. If you have a port like mine in your chest, you are at some point going to have a blood related stain on your shirt. Either bring a Tide wipe, or do what I did... go to Goodwill and buy shirts just for chemo. Mine are soft material with button fronts that I bought in the mens department. They make it easy for me to only expose as much of myself as I have to for the doctor. I can stick the tube through the space between the buttons so I don't have to remain unbuttoned in case I need to go potty while I am hooked up and if they get blood on them, I am not upset because I now have a blood stain on my favorite shirt.

Also... if you have a port, you will be putting a cream on it an hour before your appointment. Don't skimp. That stuff is meant to numb the area. If you get some small Tegaderm patches (about 2x2), you can put it on over the cream to keep it from getting on your clothes. When you get there, don't be afraid to ask them to freeze the area. There is no need to be in pain.

Your first week of a new Chemo regimen... be prepared with plans and back-up plans. If you intend to work through it like I did, then be sure you have a back-up plan in place for you to go home when you need to. The last thing you want is to be stuck at work and be throwing up your toenails. The first couple of times you have treatment, watch for when you start to feel the effects and schedule around it. Mine was two days after the actual chemo, so I would go to work after I left the chemo facility, work 10 hours the next day and then the next day, my vomit day, I stayed home. My staff knew what was going on and were prepared just in case we had to make any emergency scheduling changes.

Now... the Mastectomy. There are all kinds of sites that tell you what to pack for the hospital stay, so I won't go into that here. I am going to tell you about when you get home. Let's start with those wraps and bandages and the bulbs. Let me say, the itchiness of the bandages almost drove me crazy. My mom tucked a pillow case between my skin and the edge of the bandage/bra.  You can order a lovely post mastectomy camisole if you want. It has pockets to hold the bulbs and is made to work with the bandages. I am not one for buying stuff that I will only use for a few weeks, so here's what we did. Scarves wrapped around your waist will keep the bulbs from touching your skin. Men's  muscle tee shirts pulled on over the bandages are softer than the bra, can be folded up so they don't interfere with the drains, and safety pinning the bulbs to the neckline keeps them out of the way. Footie socks fit over the bulbs nicely to keep them from irritating your skin. Eye glasses holders ( those cords that you slip on your glasses to hang around your neck) are great to pin the bulbs to so you can bathe. Orajel (benzocaine 20%) is great for the stitches that are holding your bulbs in place ( every move you make is going to pull on those stitches). If you are a stomach sleeper like me... this will be your biggest challenge. So... either sleep in a recliner or find a way to barricade yourself so you don't roll over. We took the sofa cushions and barricaded me so that no matter which direction I rolled, there was a huge pillow stopping me from rolling on to my stomach. We also placed large pillows in the bed so I was partially upright. 

I am sure I have more stuff, but my chemo brain is acting up, so I will close out now by saying I hope this helps. I wish someone had told me all this when I was first diagnosed.

The Waiting Game

Everyone likes games. Cards, board games, video games... we all enjoy different ones. But right now I am playing a game no one likes. The Waiting Game. It's fairly simple. Your imagination holds all the cards. One by one, it lays down a "What If?" card. Your goal is to look at the What if, think of an answer and (this is the hard part) whatever you do, DO NOT PICK UP THE CARD AND RUN WITH IT! I know... I know... it's hard not to do it, especially when some of the cards are so tempting.

First card down. No one has called about the MRI yet. What If...
Surely everything is okay. I mean, if it wasn't, they would have called by now, right? Or maybe there is something, but they want to see all of the scans before they make a decision. But that nurse was so chirpy and happy... she would have to be one sick woman to be that happy if she saw a big tumor, right? But supposedly they can't interpret those charts. But seriously... how can she do the test if she doesn't know what to look for, right? And she has to have seen a tumor before... right?
*Dropping the card. Looking at the dealer* You thought you had me didn't you? Tough... Next card.

Second card down. My heart check-up. What if...
Oh. This one is too easy to not pick up. The technician said I have beautiful insides. He even explained what I was seeing on the screen. I pointed out to him what I saw (an alien beating a drum, the middle of a peony, a man in a funny hat playing an upright piano, two angels upside down paying patty cake, an angry moth) and he laughed. My heartbeat.... it has a good rhythm and you can dance to it!
* HA! Triumphant grin at the dealer* You can do better than that.

Next Card. The PET scan. What if...
Hmmm.... The biggest question is obvious. What If the cancer is back? I hope it isn't, but I have to be prepared if it is. It could be. And it could be anywhere. Under my arms is so swollen from the Lymph-edema that I can't say for sure that something else isn't going on in that area. The muscles across my chest are so tight from surgery, not to mention work and stress, that it does have sharp shooting pains sometimes. And yeah, sometimes I think to myself that it might be the cancer coming back, that it might even now be growing on my chest wall, or burrowing into my skin, or creeping like a thief through my lymph system. But honestly... what happens next? Well... probably more chemo and radiation. Worst case scenario, chemo, radiation and more surgery. I might be bald again. I might spend more time with the toilet. I might get weak. It might hurt... oh wait... pain... hmmm... now that is something to think about. The last time around, it mostly itched and the pain was from the treatment. All those places they cut me, burned me, poked me and bruised me. The port scar. The biopsy scar. The mastectomy scars. The drainage tube scars. The sore throat from vomiting. The sore stomach. The sore hind end from the diarrhea. The pains from constipation. The muscle pains from the chemo. The countless needle pricks. The peeling skin.... Looking back, it was an awful lot to go through. But I can do it again the same way I did the first time. One day at a time. Of course, there is the fact that this time I am not starting from perfectly healthy except for the cancer. This time ( here the Evil Dealer grins at me), well, honey, This time you are already a little weaker, a little more easily worn out. This time you don't have anything easy to cut off. If they cut you again... it's going to be something much more dangerous.
*Slams down the card*

Final Card. What if it's already too far gone?

At this point, I know the Dealer is playing dirty. There is no way I am touching that card. I walk away from the game.

I win.

Cards for the future

This week I sat down to fill out thank you cards for the wedding. I am almost done. But while I was out getting the cards, I stopped to get my niece a couple of cards. First Halloween, first Thanksgiving, first Birthday... that sort of thing. As I was standing there in the cards looking at all the years, I started picking up one of each. One for every year up to age 21. No, I am not just taking advantage of a sale. It's just that as I looked at the cards, I realized that I don't know if I will be here to give them to her. Which card is going to be the first card I won't be giving to her myself? Will I be here for her fifth birthday, when she is finally old enough to start school? What about her thirteenth birthday, when she enters the whole new world of the teen years? Or will it be 16, when she finally gets her license? Maybe her 18th, when she enters the world of adulthood... or 21, when she is in college and enjoying her first legal drink. I don't know... but I bought them all.

I sat at the table with all of the cards and started at the beginning. I know that she won't be reading the first few herself, so they were fairly short notes. But as she gets older, the notes get longer. I tell her how beautiful she is. I tell her what a gift she is. I tell her how proud I am of her, how everything about her brings me joy. I tell her that I see her, that I love her and that I will always be here for her... even though I know that at some point, being "here" will mean being there only in spirit. On her 21st birthday, I wrote a longer note. I tell her that I am writing this card before she even turned one, and I tell her again that I love her. The note tells her all about how I feel about her now, all our hopes for her, all the silly stories I have so far. I explain that this is the last card from me, but that it doesn't mean I will ever stop loving her or watching over her, but that from this day forward, she needs to hear my message in her heart daily... not just on her birthday.

All of the cards are going into a scrap book. With each birthday, I plan to add pictures. I hope as she gets older, there are pages and pages of birthday photos with me and my princess, but I know there will come a time when I won't be in the picture physically.

I hope I am doing the right thing.

My first MRI

Today's adventure was my very first MRI. I don't remember much about it, because I read a little about what it is like and I decided that just for today, maybe taking a Xanax would be a good idea. You who read my posts know how much I don't like taking those pills, but rather than suffer claustrophobia, I decided one pill won't hurt.

So I went in my mismatched flannel jammies, with the green blanket and my bear. I wasn't allowed to take either of them in with me, so I left the bear on the counter in the room and they gave me a blanket of theirs. I lay down on the table and they put a bolster under my knees to make me comfy. Then they gave me earplugs, which I put in, and they started asking questions. Now, why do you give someone ear plugs and then question them? Anyhow... I told them which arm was okay to poke, lay back on the table and closed my eyes. I felt them put a strap on me. I felt two cushions moved onto my cheeks. I felt something move over my face. A nurse held my arm as they looked for a vein. That hurt. In fact, it hurt a lot. The table moved. There was a loud noise. The table seemed to vibrate. The noises changed sometimes. First a whirring, then a beeping, then a low pitch. The table moved again. I felt the nurses touching my arm. I remembered mumbling that maybe I should drink some water because that might help ( I don't know why I thought that would help, but who knows what goes through my drug addled brain. This is the woman who was mad because there were horses in the operating room and apparently I thought it was unsanitary) I opened my eyes and was looking through some sort of cage. I closed my eyes again. The nurse stopped poking my arm and poked my hand. It hurt. I whimpered. She rubbed my arm. I settled down. The table moved. The noise started again. Same as before. The table moved. I opened my eyes. All done.
I swear it took 10 minutes, but it was actually an hour. I slept through the MRI. 

This is what the MRI looks like. This is not me! I found this image on Google.

Check up time again

Meanwhile.... back in Cancerville.... It is time for the six month check-ups. Yep... This month I get an MRI, a PET scan, an echocardiogram and my first visit with a lymphedema specialist. Oh Joy! I'll keep y'all posted as I get the results. Pray for NED  (No Evidence Detected).

The Wedding Ceremony- As performed for us by The Reverand Carol Huston

Marriage Ceremony for Michele and Dawyn :

GREETING/INTRODUCTION:

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined together  to strengthen each other in all labor, to minister to each other in all sorrow, to share with each other in all gladness, to be one with each other in the silent, unspoken memories? — George Eliot

It is out of the resonance between individuality and union that love, whose incredible strength is equal only to its incredible fragility, is born and reborn. Today's celebration is the outward sign of a sacred and inward commitment which religious societies may consecrate and states may legalize, but which neither can create nor annul. Such a union is created by loving purpose, maintained by abiding will, and renewed by human feelings and intentions. In this spirit these two persons stand before us.

Tonight, as we celebrate the union that exists between Dawyn and Michele, may each of you also celebrate the sacred loves and friendships that have brought meaning and joy to your lives. 

READINGS:

Why Marriage? By Mari Nichols-Haining

Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person,
With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
Who won't hold them against me,
Who loves me when I'm unlikable,
Who sees the small child in me, and
Who looks for the divine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night
With someone who thanks God for me,
With someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity
To grow in love in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me, I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage...

Because of this understanding
The possibilities are limitless.

Excerpt from "The Gift From The Sea"   ~ by Anne Morrow Lindbergh ~

When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, mot in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.

 

MINISTER’S MESSAGE

Michele and Dawyn, you come here today already a married couple. You first made vows to each other 20 years ago, and you have told me that they were unreversable vows, made before friends, family and God. No divorce possible. I'm not sure the majority of couples I have married in the past twenty years would have been so clear about that, and would have known intuitively that making those vows before your friends would bolster your marriage through the years, community support being vital to a healthy marriage.

You took those vows at a time when no national or state government in the world would have recognized your vows as legal bonds. Your action showed that two people who love each other and want to make a life commitment to one another should have the right to do so, no matter their genders or sexual orientations. Now finally a good number of countries and states, New York among them, have caught up with your understanding and we can be here together, to bless again your spiritual and legal union.

You are a married couple and a thoughtful one, and your selection of readings for this service certainly demonstrates that to me. I have never seen the first reading from Mari Nichols-Haining, but I am impressed by the way it outlines the practical side of marriage as both an opportunity, a discipline, even an achievement. Your second reading from Anne Morrow Lindbergh is one that I have used often, and I think the image of the dancers "barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern" is one of the most beautiful metaphors for marriage that I have ever seen. It reminds us of the fragile balance between individuality and union I mentioned earlier. You have built a life together, a life that has brought you to new places and allowed you to learn together, to grow together, to comfort and support each other in real diversity. At the same time. your love and relationship must encourage each of you to grow in your own talents and interests. Yes, you are two individuals, each with your own strengths and weaknesses, your own needs and emotions, and each with your own opinions. There are times when you need to encourage each other; times when you need to forgive each other; times when you need to stand together for strength and times when it is right and necessary to leave spaces between you, spaces in the dance pattern you share. Be sure to give each other physical space and psychological space so that you can continue- throughout your lives- to be the interesting individuals each of you has come to love.

You know, I am sure, that love itself is unpredictable and ever changing. There are times when love is sublime and transcending; there are times when it demands risk and sacrifice. But there are also times, even for the two of you, when your love becomes day-to-day humdrum, boring, when, as one of you said to me, the "well of love seems empty"- that's the most difficult phase of love, but it is one that all couples face. And the remedy to all this, the remedy when your love is not perfect, lies in two abilities I see in you. One is the ability to forgive. The other is the ability to laugh and see the irony of the situation. Those abilities will get you through.

One or two more points: In these times we all recognize that there is violence around us in the world, and, sad to say, in some persona relationships. And so, in every service I perform, I urge the couples to be gentle with each other. Treat your beloved as a blessing that has come to you. Respect each other in word and action. Remember that acts of kindness, understanding words and most importantly, laughter and a sense of humor will do much to resolve the pressures that come to all households.

Dawyn and Michele, your marriage did not begin today. I would say that your marriage didn't even begin 20 yrs ago when you made your first vows. Your marriage began when you were children growing into the women you are right now. It grew as you came to know each other, first as interesting friends and then as more than friends. We know that your marriage will continue, and we trust that the love you feel will continue to grow. Theodore Parker, a Unitarian Minister and abolitionist from the 19th century said " It takes years to marry completely two hearts, even the most loving and well-assorted. A happy wedlock is a long falling in love..." Michele and Dawyn, may you truly enjoy the long falling in love still ahead of you. May your trusting love and friendship be with you through the journey of all your days. Blessings on you.

INTRODUCTION TO VOWS AND VOWS:

The hand offered by each of you is an extension of self, just as is your mutual love. Cherish the touch, for you touch not only your own, but another life. Be ever sensitive to its pulse. Seek always to understand and to respect its rhythm.

I trust that you have freely given voice to your desire to be united in marriage, 20 y years ago and now again today.  Do you, in fact,choose freely and without reservation, to be a married couple?  If so, please answer, we do.

“We do.”

The vows you have chosen to make to each other are from a poem by Dorothy R. Colgan.   (I Promise  by Dorothy R. Colgan)

I promise to give you the best of myself
and to ask of you no more than you can give.

I promise to respect you as your own person
and to realize that your interests, desires and needs
are no less important than my own.

I promise to share with you my time and my attention
and to bring joy, strength and imagination to our relationship.

I promise to keep myself open to you,
to let you see through the window of my world into my innermost
fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.

I promise to grow along with you,
to be willing to face changes in order to keep our relationship
alive and exciting.

I promise to love you in good times and bad,
with all I have to give and all I feel inside in the only way I know how. Completely and forever.

BLESSING OF RINGS

The circle of the ring speaks love freely given -- it has no beginning, it has no end. 

Today we bless the rings that you have worn for 20 years, so that they may continue to be a symbol of your pledge.  May your rings ever represent the oneness and harmony of your home, and may they testify to your yearning for completeness, reminding you of your privileged place within the endless turnings of time and space.

Wine CeremonY

You have already shared much together, times of joy and times of sadness.  You affirm here today your intention to continue, to the best of your abilities, to share all that life will bring you, enjoying each other's happiness and success to the fullest, and being willing to risk suffering when suffering comes to the other.  As you look to the future together, you know there will be hours of brightness and hours of shadow, for such is the nature of life.

 (Present a cup of sweet wine)  Life has, indeed, many bright and happy experiences, of which this sweet wine is a token.  As you drink of it together, may it serve as a symbol of the joy that comes with loving and sharing, and may you be strong enough to hold with your happiness a kind sympathy for those who have not found strength in mutual relationship and those who are less fortunate than you.  (Pass goblet to each, they drink and pass it back to minister.)

(Present a goblet of bitter wine.)  But when hardship and sorrow and disappointment come, of which this bitter wine is a token, may you care enough to help one another with courage and compassion.  When you must face risk in life, may you find strength in each other, neither one blaming the other for folly or failure, or regretting the obligation to share and bear together the chances and changes of a life deeply lived.  (Goblet is passed).

 I promise to share with you my time and my attention
and to bring joy, strength and imagination to our relationship.

I promise to keep myself open to you,
to let you see through the window of my world into my innermost
fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.

I promise to grow along with you,
to be willing to face changes in order to keep our relationship
alive and exciting.

I promise to love you in good times and bad,
with all I have to give and all I feel inside in the only way I know how.
Completely and forever

BLESSING FOR A MARRIAGE by James Dillet Freeman

May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring,
and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.

May you always need one another -
not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness.
A mountain needs a valley to be complete;
the valley does not make the mountain less, but more;
and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it.
So let it be with you and you.

May you need one another, but not out of weakness.
May you want one another, but not out of lack.
May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you embrace one another, but not out encircle one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces.
May you look for things to praise, often say, "I love you!" and take no notice of small faults.

If you have quarrels that push you apart,
may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.

May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence -
no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side,
and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.
May you have love, and may you find it loving one another!

 

PRAYER/MEDITATION:

And now let us take a moment for prayer or meditation, with the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi in our hearts

God, make Michele and Dawyn channels of your peace:

That where there is hatred they may bring love;

Where there is hurt they may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

Where there is doubt they may bring faith;

Where there is despair they may bring hope;

Where there is darkness they may bring light;

Where there is sadness they may bring joy.

For it is in giving that they shall receive,

By losing that they shall find,

By forgiving that they shall be forgiven.

God, grant that they may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted,

To understand than to be understood,

To love than to be loved. Amen.

PRONOUNCEMENT

Dawyn and Michele, 20 years ago, and now again today, you have freely chosen to walk life's journey together.  In the presence of these witnesses, you have promised one another love and trust in the deepest friendship that can exist.  It is therefore my joy and privilege, on behalf of the divine spirit in and around us, on behalf of all these witnesses, and on behalf of the state of New York, to pronounce that you are and have  been a married couple.

It is your right and privilege, since last summer, to have this marriage legally witnessed and recorded, and so I invite your witnesses to sign this document now.

BENEDICTION

Now as you go together out into the world, may the days and years ahead strengthen the love and the joy and the hopes that have brought you together.  Go in peace.

PRESENTATION AND KISS

It is my great pleasure to present to all of you Michele and Dawyn, a legally married couple in the eyes of God, in our eyes, and in the eyes of the State of New York!!  Please share a kiss.