Radiation and stuff

So... I have been going to get radiation for a little over a week now. My skin is turning pink and feels all tingly, like the beginnings of sunburn, but not extremely uncomfortable. I imagine that after six weeks or more of this I will most likely be hating life and be trying to claw my skin off, but hey... anything is better than cancer, right? As usual, I am still the youngest one there. I love the two ladies who are also scheduled at that time of the morning. They are so cute. We talk about spouses, pets, gardening and yes... the big C. Both of them have been through all of this before and are dealing with recurrence. I make them both laugh as I cover up and then fling my blankets off when I have a hot flash, and they make me smile when they reassure me that this too will pass. It's funny how up until now I haven't really talked to any other patients in treatment. In the chemo room, I fall asleep so quickly there was never a chance to talk, and in the waiting rooms, everyone is kind of wrapped in their own thoughts. I did see a woman about my age at the oncologists office this week. I don't know if she was there for herself or for a family member, but she kept glancing over at me. I smiled at her and took off my hat to show off my pretty new hair and she looked away. It made me wonder about what she saw when she looked at me. Did the hair loss scare her? Or was the new growth encouraging? Was she imagining herself at that point, or just embarrassed that I noticed her looking?

I have been driving myself to radiation! I have been so excited about it... I feel like a kid who just got her license and is being allowed to drive alone for the first time. It has been a while since I have been allowed to drive that far by myself. Also, I walked up to the store the other day. It was awesome! I can't wait to be able to go back to walking to and from work. It finally feels like I am finding my way back to normal life. Every time I get to do something, even doing housework, I get excited. No one should get this excited over mopping. It's just not natural. But for me, the fact that I am physically able to do it, and that I am no longer having to worry as much about having a compromised immune system means that the end of this phase of the madness is in sight. We have even started planning our wedding again.

Oh yeah... the wedding. Well... when they made it legal in NY, we started planning to have a legal ceremony in NY for our 20th anniversary, which is this August. Then came the big C, and we stopped even talking about it. Now that we are getting so breathing space, the planning is back on. I'll have to do a whole other post on that topic, because... well...wedding planning is a whole lot of stuff.

This brings me around to my big thought for the week. No matter what you are doing, whether it is planning a big event or doing the litter boxes, be thankful and excited. Until this happened, I complained about what all I had to do. Now I am grateful that I am here and able to do even the most mundane things. yes, mowing the yard can be a pain... but not being able to do it is much worse.

Reality Check

Today we met with the Radiation Coordinator. I still have a drain in, which we hope to have out next week, and as soon as it is out and we do a CT scan, I will be starting radiation. The doctor who sat with us to discuss this was very frank about my condition. He made certain that we understood that this will not cure my cancer, but will decrease my risk of certain types of cancer by two-thirds. He talked about the effects of radiation, and the possible side effects. He stressed that we would have no guarantees that radiation was even working until weeks after it is done. Then he said it was up to me to make the decision because having stage 4 cancer, I will never be cancer free...

Never be cancer free...

So... How's that for a reality check? I have known in my head that this is permanent, but I think hearing the doctor go over the diagnosis and basically tell me that we may be doing all of this and have no effect on the cancer was an eye-opener. And I suppose I could just roll over and say let's stop, but I simply can't do that. I have never been a quitter, and I don't plan to quit on this. I still have a chance, and even though the odds are against me, I will go down fighting. What we want is for this to become just a chronic condition where I have flare-ups that we treat until some new medical miracle comes along.

Until then... I just keep the faith. I keep doing what the doctors recommend.I continue to enjoy my time with my family and friends. I keep believing in myself. I keep living... even if it means living with cancer.