Radiation and stuff

So... I have been going to get radiation for a little over a week now. My skin is turning pink and feels all tingly, like the beginnings of sunburn, but not extremely uncomfortable. I imagine that after six weeks or more of this I will most likely be hating life and be trying to claw my skin off, but hey... anything is better than cancer, right? As usual, I am still the youngest one there. I love the two ladies who are also scheduled at that time of the morning. They are so cute. We talk about spouses, pets, gardening and yes... the big C. Both of them have been through all of this before and are dealing with recurrence. I make them both laugh as I cover up and then fling my blankets off when I have a hot flash, and they make me smile when they reassure me that this too will pass. It's funny how up until now I haven't really talked to any other patients in treatment. In the chemo room, I fall asleep so quickly there was never a chance to talk, and in the waiting rooms, everyone is kind of wrapped in their own thoughts. I did see a woman about my age at the oncologists office this week. I don't know if she was there for herself or for a family member, but she kept glancing over at me. I smiled at her and took off my hat to show off my pretty new hair and she looked away. It made me wonder about what she saw when she looked at me. Did the hair loss scare her? Or was the new growth encouraging? Was she imagining herself at that point, or just embarrassed that I noticed her looking?

I have been driving myself to radiation! I have been so excited about it... I feel like a kid who just got her license and is being allowed to drive alone for the first time. It has been a while since I have been allowed to drive that far by myself. Also, I walked up to the store the other day. It was awesome! I can't wait to be able to go back to walking to and from work. It finally feels like I am finding my way back to normal life. Every time I get to do something, even doing housework, I get excited. No one should get this excited over mopping. It's just not natural. But for me, the fact that I am physically able to do it, and that I am no longer having to worry as much about having a compromised immune system means that the end of this phase of the madness is in sight. We have even started planning our wedding again.

Oh yeah... the wedding. Well... when they made it legal in NY, we started planning to have a legal ceremony in NY for our 20th anniversary, which is this August. Then came the big C, and we stopped even talking about it. Now that we are getting so breathing space, the planning is back on. I'll have to do a whole other post on that topic, because... well...wedding planning is a whole lot of stuff.

This brings me around to my big thought for the week. No matter what you are doing, whether it is planning a big event or doing the litter boxes, be thankful and excited. Until this happened, I complained about what all I had to do. Now I am grateful that I am here and able to do even the most mundane things. yes, mowing the yard can be a pain... but not being able to do it is much worse.

Learning my limits

Today I went out shopping with mom. I have been feeling pretty good and moving around a bit at home, doing small housework, playing with my dog a little... so I figured that going out to do a bit of shopping would be fine.  We left the house at about 3pm and started with picking up mom's prescription. We went to Goodwill to find pants for mom's boyfriend, then to Great Clips to get mom's hair cut. I sat in the chair watching the lady cut and style mom's hair. Next on to Kmart, where I had to stop mom from buying things she didn't really need (we had a list... stick to the list... stay out of the clearance!) and then we went to Lowes to return some things and look at lawn care stuff. Not a terribly huge list of things to do and really, we were done in two hours, but man oh man was I exhausted. By the time we got out of Kmart I was ready to fall over, but I just wanted to get the last thing finished and go home. See... stubborn.

On the ride back to the house, I told mom I was worn out. I was amazed that it had only been two hours, because I felt like I usually feel after a 10 hour work day. Mom, of course, scolded me that I need to take it easy and say something when I am getting tired. Basically, I need to work on dealing with my limits. Yes, I used to be able to do all that and more, but right now, my body has limits that I need to respect. So of course, this got me thinking about accepting my limitations.

I am not a woman who gives up easy. I will always find some way to get things done. At times, I push myself so hard that I come close to breaking. This is especially true with work, but it is equally true on the home front. And yet, there are times when I try to do things that are beyond me, and no matter how stubborn I am, they will always be beyond me, but I keep trying. I have a hard time admitting to myself that I can't do everything. Or at least I did have a hard time...

Lately I have learned to accept that I am not Wonder Woman. I have limits. I can't take care of everything. I can't bear as much weight as I used to. I can't stand as long without rest. I need help to do basic things. I have to speak up when I am tired. I have to accept help when it is offered and ask for it when I need it. And I think of all the lessons I am learning... this one is probably one of the hardest.