Wow! Time sure flies when you are having fun... or not. It seems like only yesterday I started Radiation and now I have only 10 more treatments to go. My skin is bright red, like I am sunburned in a very specific pattern, and it itches. But not like a normal itch... just like you are wearing a scratchy sweater kind of itch. I can't believe this is almost over with. I just keep waiting for something big to happen. Not that I want anything else to happen, of course, but the way things have been going I just keep expecting it. From the reading of various online forums, I see that the feeling is universal, this constant looking over the shoulder, feeling hunted, on alert type feeling. I realized that I am actually taking all of my happy pills in the month and that kinda scares me because the last thing I want is to become dependent on a drug to make everything alright. I wonder when this too shall pass...
My hair is growing back...fast! I am excited to see it again, even if it is a whole new color.I have gotten so used to being bald, that the hair is now startling. I find myself petting it often, like if I stop touching it, it will disappear again. See... there it is again... that waiting for something to happen.
Home life is returning to normal. I went to the laundromat- by myself- and I have been contemplating giving mowing the yard another shot. Even the animals have given up being well behaved for me, and are back to being the furry terrorists they usually are. I can work the whole week and not become a puddle of goo by the end of my last shift. And yet... even there I wonder how long will it last? When will the exhaustion come back?
So... in my usual conversations with my Best Friend... I spend most of my time right now saying thank you. Thank you for this day and this moment. I know it may be fleeting, this moment of joy I have at doing simple things, but thank you for it just the same. And then I ask if tomorrow could be just like today, please? I am not asking for great big things. I accept that I won't be 100% healed, that I won't ever be rich, that at times I will be unhappy, and sometimes bad stuff just happens... but if I could just keep having the same boring same old same old for a while... that would be awesome. I could use a little time to rest and get used to my new circumstances before the next big battle begins.
I think it must be slightly different being stage IV and not having anything visible going on inside than it would be if I were any other stage. I mean... many women can just go Whew! well... dodged THAT bullet! and go on with their lives, knowing that at 5 years they get an all clear. But I know that it's in there, somewhere, lurking... waiting for me to let my guard down... looking for somewhere to nest. I don't know if I can ever call myself a cancer survivor... so I will just have to settle for cancer Warrior.
My hair is growing back...fast! I am excited to see it again, even if it is a whole new color.I have gotten so used to being bald, that the hair is now startling. I find myself petting it often, like if I stop touching it, it will disappear again. See... there it is again... that waiting for something to happen.
Home life is returning to normal. I went to the laundromat- by myself- and I have been contemplating giving mowing the yard another shot. Even the animals have given up being well behaved for me, and are back to being the furry terrorists they usually are. I can work the whole week and not become a puddle of goo by the end of my last shift. And yet... even there I wonder how long will it last? When will the exhaustion come back?
So... in my usual conversations with my Best Friend... I spend most of my time right now saying thank you. Thank you for this day and this moment. I know it may be fleeting, this moment of joy I have at doing simple things, but thank you for it just the same. And then I ask if tomorrow could be just like today, please? I am not asking for great big things. I accept that I won't be 100% healed, that I won't ever be rich, that at times I will be unhappy, and sometimes bad stuff just happens... but if I could just keep having the same boring same old same old for a while... that would be awesome. I could use a little time to rest and get used to my new circumstances before the next big battle begins.
I think it must be slightly different being stage IV and not having anything visible going on inside than it would be if I were any other stage. I mean... many women can just go Whew! well... dodged THAT bullet! and go on with their lives, knowing that at 5 years they get an all clear. But I know that it's in there, somewhere, lurking... waiting for me to let my guard down... looking for somewhere to nest. I don't know if I can ever call myself a cancer survivor... so I will just have to settle for cancer Warrior.
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