You know how sometimes in life you are sailing along just fine, the future looks bright and for once things seem to be going your way... then it happens. Something pops up that just wrecks everything. I have had one of those weeks. The sad thing is... I can't even really talk about it. No... it's not anything related to my diagnosis... or at least it isn't anything that has changed for me health wise with my diagnosis. This is what I guess you can call collateral damage, or how my diagnosis has changed my daily dynamics. And here I am... stuck in the middle of something that is basically a no-win situation. I am not going to get into what is going on, but I am going to do a little venting.
You know, through this whole ordeal, I have tried to stay positive, stay focused on the path, and work on getting well. I have done what I could to minimize my own stress by giving up a great deal of control in my life. I have kept a lot of my pain and fears to myself because I knew that those around me can't bear to see me hurt. The few times I have opened up and discussed any of my frustrations, stress or fears have turned around to bite me in the butt. And so I started keeping it all inside, stopped confiding in anyone, started shutting myself off. Sure, on the surface I seemed the same, but beneath it, I became distrustful and angry. Then it became resent. Sometimes I just want to shout and scream, but I know that anything I do or say will just be turned around and become something it isn't. No matter what I choice I make, no matter how I try to express myself, I know I will be painted as the bad one, that whatever I say is an attack. So... what do I do? I'll tell you what I am going to do. From this day forward, I am not coddling anyone. I realize that my diagnosis has caused stress for some people, but you know what... get the F*ck over it. I am the one who has a terminal disease. I am the one who is facing my own death. Right now, I have the right to stop worrying about how my diagnosis impacts anyone else... I need to focus on how it impacts me. I am no longer feeding anyone else's victim complex. That's not to say I plan on changing how I approach this... it's just saying that I will no longer approach this quite so quietly.
Does this mean I plan on playing the poor pitiful me card? No... I don't, because I refuse to be a victim. I am a fighter, and anyone or anything that gets in the way of my positive recovery/remission will be removed from my life.
