Today I was off from work and had a completely non-productive day. Completely. I did absolutely nothing. Not reading. No arts and crafts. Not even watching movies or napping. I kinda just sat around and nibbled on stuff. And you know what? I think I really needed that. It was kind of like rebooting my brain. It's now 9:30 at night, and for the first time in months, I am starting to come back to me.
One of the things that is different is the new medication. Yep... I think we hit on the correct combination for the time being. Yesterday I went to work at 7am and worked until 8:30pm. That is the longest day I have worked and remained productive the whole day in ages. I came home tired, but not bone weary, and while I hurt, it wasn't the same constant dragging me into the grave hurt I have dealt with for months. I looked in the mirror and I have color in my cheeks that is not the bright red of me gritting my teeth, but the slightly rosy glow that I used to have all the time. Yes, I still have some bags under my eyes, but give me a couple of weeks of normal sleep and I may just start to look human again.
It was nice today to not be constantly thinking about how I felt. In fact, it was nice to not think anything much at all. But the great brain is starting to gear up again, and for the last little bit I have actually been feeling the old inquisitiveness sneaking back in. My brain actually had some thoughts about sympathy and empathy and how they relate to me and how I relate them to the world. Do you have any idea how much I have missed those types of thoughts? My whole life I have spent with a mind that constantly mulls things over, picks apart thoughts, feelings and actions and when the Big C started taking that from me, I think that is when I started to feel most betrayed by my body. I mean, that type of thought process is central to who I am as a person, and to have my mind spending all its time thinking trivial things like "what Time is it? Can I take a pill yet?" was, for me, like not actually living. (on the whole sympathy/empathy thing... I could write a whole lot about that, but suffice it to say, my perspectives are changing).
So... just a quick note to say that I may actually have more to say in the future, and I am excited by that prospect!
One of the things that is different is the new medication. Yep... I think we hit on the correct combination for the time being. Yesterday I went to work at 7am and worked until 8:30pm. That is the longest day I have worked and remained productive the whole day in ages. I came home tired, but not bone weary, and while I hurt, it wasn't the same constant dragging me into the grave hurt I have dealt with for months. I looked in the mirror and I have color in my cheeks that is not the bright red of me gritting my teeth, but the slightly rosy glow that I used to have all the time. Yes, I still have some bags under my eyes, but give me a couple of weeks of normal sleep and I may just start to look human again.
It was nice today to not be constantly thinking about how I felt. In fact, it was nice to not think anything much at all. But the great brain is starting to gear up again, and for the last little bit I have actually been feeling the old inquisitiveness sneaking back in. My brain actually had some thoughts about sympathy and empathy and how they relate to me and how I relate them to the world. Do you have any idea how much I have missed those types of thoughts? My whole life I have spent with a mind that constantly mulls things over, picks apart thoughts, feelings and actions and when the Big C started taking that from me, I think that is when I started to feel most betrayed by my body. I mean, that type of thought process is central to who I am as a person, and to have my mind spending all its time thinking trivial things like "what Time is it? Can I take a pill yet?" was, for me, like not actually living. (on the whole sympathy/empathy thing... I could write a whole lot about that, but suffice it to say, my perspectives are changing).
So... just a quick note to say that I may actually have more to say in the future, and I am excited by that prospect!
