Netflix and deep thought.

I love Netflix. I mean like really REALLY love it. I have spent more time watching full seasons of old shows when I don't feel well than anything else. One of the ones I watched recently was Law and Order: Criminal Intent. It was great having something to take my mind off anything and everything. And then came the episode I watched today. Today's episode was the one about the pharmacist who diluted cancer drugs to make money to support his image in the community and to meet his charity obligations to the church. The funny thing is, I notice that the disclaimer at the beginning of the show seemed different for this one. It said that it was based on an actual case!

Oh my Gosh!  Someone actually did this? So I had to look it up because at first I couldn't believe that it was true. After all... I manage a pharmacy and I know tons of pharmacists and I could not believe for a second that anyone in that profession could think up that crime, commit that crime or get away with it. Then I figured maybe the pharmacist only did it a couple of times and got caught. Imagine my surprise to discover that for nine years, an independent pharmacist who was licensed  to compound and dispense IV drugs had been diluting his medications of life saving drugs to make money. Not once or twice, but 98,000 times. Can you imagine? One of the drugs he did this to was one that I have taken (Taxol). Kinda scary. I can only imagine how those patients must have felt when the truth came out.

So, watching the episode and then looking up the actual case made me do a lot of thinking. First, what can make a person do something like this? Or for that matter, what makes anyone commit a crime against another living creature? Just look at the incidents that have happened in the past few weeks, and it's hard to understand exactly what goes wrong in a persons' head that makes them forget that others have feelings too? The pharmacist who did that justified himself by the rationale that the patients were dying anyway. Dying anyway...  And who knows what was wrong with the school shooter, or the man who set a fire so he could shoot first responders. What is going wrong with this world? It's like these people forgot that their victims were actual living humans.

Maybe... and this is just me thinking here... maybe it's because we are losing our connection to the world. I mean, for people who are as "connected" as we are, with our phones that update where we are and who we are with, and computers that ask us how are we feeling... seriously, we really aren't very connected at all. I'm not saying we are all wandering alone in cyber space, but honestly, how often do we have real physical contact with people outside our own homes? I do... but I also invite it. I seek out the people who look like they are touchers or huggers or bump-up-againsters. My day would not be complete without at least two or three hugs, a few arm pats and at least one curl tousling head rub. So I know I am being reminded daily that I am a part of the great family humanity. But how many people go through their days and weeks without touching and being touched? I know... not everyone likes having their personal space invaded, but isn't that one of the things that makes us human, that invasion of our space? Doesn't everyone need to be reminded sometimes that other people are real, that they are the same? Look out at the animal kingdom. They know that touch is an important part of being in a community. They groom each other. They play with each other. They scent each other ( Although I do draw the line at that... no one is going to spray urine on me and get away without being smacked). The point is... animals know that the way to establish ties is through contact. So maybe we need to be a little more conscious of other people and start trying to connect. Smile at a stranger. Don't be afraid of a little contact. Lets try to remind each other that we are all a part of this big family of humanity and maybe the world can change.

If you need a hug... come see me. I'll be at work dispensing hugs and smiles, free with every purchase.

I'm Gonna...

Ahhhh.... Big sigh.... Christmas in retail is finally over. I have made it through another full retail year and have not killed anyone, not even the lady who pitched a full fledged, toddler style, in your face tantrum because my pregnant assistant manager told her to "Have a nice Day, Ma'am."  ( Seriously... When you are twice the age of someone in the South... Expect to be called Ma'am or Sir... We call that manners)

So the new year is almost on us. I have been thinking about the whole resolution thing, and decided that I am not good at resolutions. I mean, unless it's something like "In the new year, I promise that I will change my mind frequently, get irritated at nothing sometimes and take at least one bath a month." Those are some resolutions I can keep. But as for big changes... I don't really know what I would change, or why. Mostly we make resolutions to change bad habits, or to improve our selves. But I would like to make some different resolutions. I think I'll call them the I'm Gonna List.

This Year I am gonna:

1. Throw a baseball. I may not hit anything that I meant to hit, but by Golly I am going to throw one!
2. Attempt to hit a ball with a bat. A baseball, a basketball, a soccer ball.... a Beach ball... something. I am using a bat to hit a ball and I will make it move!
3. Give flowers to a stranger.
4. Dance in public to something on the in store radio.
5. Sing loudly and most likely off key at least once a week someplace other than home or work.
6. Take more walks.
7. Use more crayons.
8. Eat more desserts.
9. Play in my yard. (No... not work in the yard... PLAY in the yard. I will mow in circles, rake up leaves in piles to jump in and probably play in the dirt.)
10. Laugh at least once a day until my stomach hurts.

That is a list of resolutions I think I can keep.

Time heals all wounds (and fades all scars)... Updated Mastectomy Photos

 Well, It's been a while since we last visited the world of Mastectomy scars, so I thought now would be a good time to have an update on what they look like. Remember, in February I had both breasts removed, then in March I had my little accident with the heating pad. Things are looking better...

Kicking the bucket (list)

I spend a lot of time thinking when I am at work. I have to. Work is, at times, pretty mindless. Stock this. Sign that. Move those. Damage these. File that there. So, while I am doing all these tasks, my mind wanders here and there. Today I spent my day dealing with my truck and thinking about an incident that happened earlier in the week. Bear with me... My thoughts are still not very organized.

I have been trying to get in to see a doctor at MD Anderson for over a month. I have been talking about this with my wife and my mother. We have a friend in Houston who we wanted to visit. Since we are going to be there, it seemed like a good idea to kill two birds with one stone and try to get in to the number one cancer hospital to talk to someone about my options. See... I am a very logical woman. It just makes sense, right? I finally heard back from someone at the hospital this past week. In my excitement, I posted about it on Facebook while I was answering a million questions on the phone. (Uh-Oh... Facebook posts... how many "issues" in families start with an innocent status update?) I don't really think anything about it. I never do. I have relatives and friends all over the place who I like to keep informed about what is happening with me medically. FB allows me to inform everyone at once, without having to make a million phone calls, answer the same questions over and over and repeat myself over and over and over... To me, this is logical. Saves time and energy, two things that I have a finite supply of these days. Well, apparently I have some family members who do not think this way. Rather than conserve my time and energy, I should be using extra time and extra energy to inform people individually. I should be thinking not about what is most convenient for me ( the person who has the terminal illness), but I should instead be more concerned about the feeling of others (the people who do NOT have a terminal illness).  Which brought me to my next set of thoughts as I spent 4 hours lifting boxes of candy onto the top shelves of the stockroom bins.

It's hard losing someone you love. Having someone in your life who is dying is hard. You want to spend as much time with them as possible. You cling to them, imagining what life will be like when they are gone... how sad and lonely you will be. How much you will miss them when they are gone. It's stressful and scarey and painful. All of this is true, and all of this is valid. It is understandable that when you have someone who you know is slipping away, you just want to be with them, to be a part of every day they have left. BUT...

Stop for a second and think about something. You think this is hard on you? Imagine for a minute that you are the person who is dying. What would you want?

See... having a terminal illness, I am aware that my days are numbered and you know what? I have some things that I would like to do. Once upon a time, before I really realized that life itself is a terminal experience, I had a list of things I wanted to do. We all have a list, whether we call it our bucket list and have it clearly laid out or maybe it's just a lot of dreams in our heads... things like backpacking through Scotland, or taking a cruise to see whales in Alaska, or learning to play guitar. Whatever it is, we all have something that we want to do at some unspecified point in the future. The difference is... my time is running out and my options have been severely curtailed. Once I dreamed of visiting other countries, of seeing the Hindu temples, of walking the Great Wall, of riding a camel in a desert. Those things will never happen for me now. I will never learn to play my guitar well enough to play in public (even among family) and have  people enjoy it. I will never visit all 50 states and complete my refrigerator magnet collection. I will never compete in another dance competition.  In fact, I could spend a long time listing the things I know now that I will not get the chance to do because of time, health and money, But that would be wallowing in self pity. Instead, I am reworking my list of things I want to do and trying to do as much as I can within my limitations. I can see New Orleans. I can try to see the Grand Canyon.

Unfortunately, my desire to try to experience as much as I can before I am forced to be at home is in direct conflict with some of my loved ones desires. I know this because I am constantly be reminded by others that I "need to think about how this affects so and so", or I really should be more considerate of other's feelings. Funny how the people who advise me that I should spend my last years/weeks/months being concerned about others don't see that I have needs too. Or maybe they just don't think about what they are saying, because to me it comes out sounding like I owe it to my loved ones to give up what little life I have left to make someone else happy and forget about making myself happy.

This led me to the next train of thought, which was that if the above is true, I completely understand why some terminally ill people begin cutting themselves off from others. It's hard having to deal with your own mortality, the loss of your dreams and then deal with the guilt imposed on you by others. You can't say anything to them because that just opens another can of worms as they get mad or defensive, so you either make people mad by trying to fulfil your dreams, or you make yourself mad by giving up all your dreams to please someone else. So, rather than deal with it, you just shut everyone out. Lately I find myself at odd times just wishing this would hurry up and be over with. And then I get mad. And then I feel guilty. And then I wish this was all over with. And the cycle continues until I tell myself to stop. Somehow I will find a way to make this work.

I suppose the biggest thing is that I need to decide what is most important to me... making mysef happy or pleasing others?  That, my friends, is what I think about when I unload a truck...


 

A Game... and How awesome it doesn't involve pink!

My friend Brooke at Daily Dose of Dahl is a riot. I love to read her posts about her kids and Zumba (which I would love to try... but am a little hesitant about right now). She tagged me in a silly post. Unfortunately... she did it at a time we were going through so much Doctor stuff that until today, I hadn't been able to get to it... and then, of course, Chemo Brain kicked in and I completely forgot about it. Luckily... I was catching up on my blog reading and found it again and said... "Oh yeah!  I meant to do that!"  So... These are my questions  or rather the questions she asked me. Then I have to come up with questions and share them with other people. (Let's hope I don't forget that part)

Brooke's Questions:
1. Iced tea or hot tea?
It depends on the season. I love Iced tea on a hot summer day, sitting on the back steps watching the dog run around, listening to the chirp of birds (or the buzz of the cicadas if they are in season). In the winter, I love a hot cup of tea as I snugge in my jammies and blanket petting the cat.

2. What is your least favorite household chore?
Laundry. Few things are worse than handling dirty undies, smelly socks and sweaty clothes. The wait while they wash. The wait while they dry. The folding. The hanging. The great sock mating. The bag of leftover socks (BTW... Have I ever told you about the day my washer produced a University of Michigan shirt? No one in my house has ever gone there, we don't watch any of their games on TV and we have never purchased their apparel, but apparently, when your washer has eaten enough socks, it knits you a random shirt. I am hoping with the number of blue and black socks it has eaten, it is currently knitting a Carolina Panthers jersey.)

3. What is your fondest childhood memory?
My grandfather had a dirty secret. My grandmother constantly harped at him about it, but he never seemed to be able to stop himself. At least once a week he would do it and get caught. It was my fault really. Every time we went out to pay the bills, I would beg and he woud give in and there we would be... at the donut shop. He would order his plain donut with coffee and then I would shyly point at the long chocolate filled, powder sugared donut. That and a chocolate milk were the greatest treats. Try as he might, I always ended up covered in powdered sugar, chocolate ringing my mouth, creme filling in my hair. He would clean me up and we would head home where Grandma was waiting... knowing that we had been there AGAIN.

4. What is the best book you've read lately and why did you like it?
Oh lately I have been feeding my secret addiction. Yes... I am ashamed to say it, but I am a lesbian addicted to historical romance, commonly known as bodice rippers. No... I don't read them for the sex (obviously). I enjoy the costumes, the courtly manners, the impertinent heroine and the mystery that is being solved while the romance is blooming. Strangely, I am not wild about mystery novels... probably because there are no fichues or panniers involved.

5. Do you believe in fate?
sometimes. That is really hard for me to respond to because I hate to think that I (or anyone with a terminal illness) am fated to have this. But then I think about meeting my wife, and I realize that there is no way it couldn't have been fate.

6. What made you decide to start blogging?
That's easy... The Big C. Yep... Getting diagnosed with Cancer made me do it. Oh there are tons of cancer blogs out there, but everyone's experience is different, and my voice is important too. Especially since my doctor repeatedly tells me I am always getting the weird side effects and strange reactions. And then, I needed to "talk" out my thoughts and feelings. Even talking with other women with cancer was not as helpful as writing was. I didn't seem to fit any of the "molds" of survivorship. I am not angry. I am not cynical. I am not convinced that my faith will cure it. or even make it easier to deal with. I am stubborn, logical and realistic. I have a terminal disease with a short life expectancy. I can not wait to do the things I need to do, so I do them now.

7. If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
Pay off bills. Pay off my friends bills quietly. Go to the oncologists office and pay off as many peoples bills as I could afford.

8. What is the one thing you could eat every day for the rest of your life and never get tired of it?
Dessert. ( You really were not specific on this one... and that's okay!) My motto is Eat Dessert First. No one is on their death bed regretting not getting to eat another lite turkey breast on whole wheat hold the mayo... They are thinking " I should have eaten that molten chocolate lava cake with extra ice cream."

9. To be or not to be?
I try to Be as much as I can.

10. What is your favorite hobby - other than blogging, natch.
Piddling. Yes... I am aware that is not a very specific term either, but I love to piddle around doing a little scrapbooking, a little photography, a little arts and crafts, some cross-stitching... you know... piddling.
11.  Truth or dare?
I got nothin' to lose... I am taking the dare from now on!


Now... my questions:

1. Who is the greatest action hero and why?
2. When was the first time you fell in love?
3. What is your fondest wish?
4. Where would you most like to travel
5. If you coud meet any famous historical figure, who would it be and why?
6. What was the best Christmas you have ever had?
7. If you could go back to any point in time to just relive the moment, what would it be?
8. What is your favorite article of clothing?
9. If you could smack just one person and get away with it, who would it be?
10. Catwoman or Wonder woman?

Deck the Halls... Or not

Well, it's Christmas again. Another Christmas in retail. Another Christmas in Cancerland. I barely remember last Christmas. So much was going on...Chemo, side effects, terror over the approaching surgery, worry about the mounting Dr. bills... This year is not quite so difficult. On the other hand, this year I am a lot less insulated from the truth of my diagnosis. This year I am fully aware that my number of future Christmas seasons are limited.

I am not trying to be morose or depressing. Actually, this is making Christmas have a bit more importance than usual. Prior to 2011, when I thought of Christmas, all I thought was how horrible it was. I hated the holiday. Twenty years in retail can do that to a person. Believe me, anyone who works in any service industry can tell you that for us, holidays mean nothing more than more work, more obnoxious people and less time for our own friends and family. In retail, Christmas starts in August. That's when the first shipments roll in the doors. Long before we even start setting Halloween, our stock rooms begin filling up with early Christmas toys, gifts and winter supplies. By October, the backroom is bursting at the seams and we are ready to get rid of Halloween by about the second week of October so that we can put the next season on the floor. By Thanksgiving, all the seasonal that we are going to receive is already there and must be on the sales floor ready to sell. By the time we hit December, we are already selling out of the most popular items and bracing ourselves for those shoppers who wait till the last minute and then are amazed that we are out of stock. Sometimes in the past I have been tempted to grab people by the shoulders and scream at them "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? This stuff has been here since AUGUST. Where were YOU? I mean, it's not like Christmas comes as a surprise... we have one every year on the same date! WHY would you expect us to still have this stuff in stock? My job is to sell out as fast as I can because Valentines is already IN MY STOCKROOM!  I have Cadbury Easter Eggs coming NEXT WEEK!"  But I restrain myself.

Me and my Bestie decorating Mom's Tree

This year, I even thought about putting up a tree. Honestly... you have no idea how big a deal that is. I haven't put up a tree in years. Or rather, I haven't put up a tree in my own house in years. I put up the tree at Mom's house (which I love to do). I put up the trees at work (2ft, 3ft, 4ft, lighted 4ft, 6ft, lighted 6ft, porch tree, spiral tree and light up reindeer). By the time I do that... I am so sick of trees it's not even funny. And decorating??? Are you kidding me? I just decorated an 8000 sq ft store.  But this year i found myself looking at the little villages, the wreaths and the lights and wondering how would my house look if I decorated.  What if I put up some lights? Maybe I should put some candles in the window. (For me this is a HUGE step... even thinking about decorating used to give me hives) Maybe NEXT Christmas I will even put a tree up...