Everything... and the Kitchen Sink

It's been a long week. I tried to replace the faucet in the kitchen. I did pretty well... got the basin wrench positioned correctly, took the two side screws out, disconnected the cold water and then... came to a screeching halt. The hot water connector would not budge. Then, after much twisting, WD-40 and finally a few well chosen curse words, it turned. And turned. And turned.... and would not come apart. After an hour of twisting, turning, using multiple different tools... I gave up. I called a plumber. It took him 45 minutes to get the old one out and the new one in. I was so mad! But then... I had to laugh. Once again, the universe is telling me that while I might think I can do everything... there are some things that are still a little beyond me.

I had a lady in my store this week who just started chemo. She has lung cancer. She was telling me how hard this last week has been with losing her hair and crying. I hugged her and asked her to stop back by on Sunday. See... she was telling me how she hates how she looks and can't find anything to cover her head that makes her feel pretty. I went through my hats and scarves and came up with some light weight ones for her. So when she came in, I showed her how to tie a turban with a long scarf and gave her a bag of hats. It seemed like the thing to do. She left with a pretty pink turban on and a smile. It made my day.

I went shopping with Mom. It was an experience, I must say. I spent a while trying on clothes, discovering which outfits looked good on my new flat chest and which didn't. I bought some new hats. And then I had fun buying a strapless bra. Yep... I need a strapless bra for my wedding dress to put my foobs in. The ones from the mastectomy company are outrageous! So... I bought one on clearance in a random cup size and tried it when I got home. It looked pretty good, if I say so myself. Not that I plan to wear the foobs that often... but it's nice to have them if I need them. The most entertaining part of shopping... I opened the door without my shirt on and there was a woman standing outside the dressing room. I just smiled and said... MOM!!!

Today though, I realized that I am still disappointing myself. You ever catch yourself looking at someone you don't know and thinking the most terrible things? I mean, being critical of what they are wearing, or how they are acting, or even how they look. Well... I really wish I could stop doing this. I really hate this about myself. What right do I have to make any judgements about anyone else? For all I know, they could be the nicest person around, and here I am thinking some snide thought. Every time I catch myself doing it, I shake myself and make it a point to find something nicer to think about that person. So... I see the woman who reminds me of a People Of Wal-mart poster child and I stop myself... and I notice she has the most amazing eyes. Or the grumpy old man who is snapping at me to hurry up... he smells so good. And then I take that good thought and I hold it in my head and I smile at the person... and they smile back. Even the grumpy man. So,  I realize again that I can't change other people... but I can keep working on me, and maybe I can change. I would really like that.

very short update.

It's another beautiful day here and I am back to my old self... mostly. I changed the oil in the mower, cleaned the air filter and checked the spark plugs. Then I mowed the driveway. And after only an hour of being outside, I had to go sit down. I guess I am not quite as recovered as I thought... but then again, I did that after being at work since 730 this morning and only having a can of pears for breakfast/lunch. So maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

I have really missed doing things like this, and it is so nice to be able to do them again. My yard is looking scruffy, so I see a big yard clean-up in my future. And I am really excited about it. I know I used to moan and complain about having to spend my off time doing yard work, or cleaning house, but my views on that have changed. It is a blessing to be well enough to go push a mower around 3/4 acre of yard. So what if I have to sit down more frequently. At least I can do it.

The other fun thing... I had three, yep three, crazy people in a row today. It is really hard for me not to laugh at them sometimes. I mean, seriously... why are you getting so worked up over something so small? But then I have to remind myself that for the person in front of me, this incident is probably the worst thing going on in their world right now, and I am grateful for that. If the worst thing in your world is not getting your way at a store, then you are a lucky person. Sometimes I wish I could tell them this, but I think that might not go over very well. Especially because I wouldn't be able to do it without laughing.

oh well... break is over... gotta go mow some lawn.

Life goes on...

Well, we are now about a month away from the wedding and I am doing what I can to make it as budget a wedding as possible and still have it be pretty and memorable. It's amazing what you can get at the dollar store and then fix up into something cute. I have to say, it is nice to think about something not cancer related for once.

Of course, I guess you can say that in a round-about way I do think about it all the time. I mean, while we were planning the ceremony, we purposely avoided anything that was too sentimental. I decided that we have had too much seriousness in the past year. There will be no sappy music, no mention of til death do us part (because that is just a little too close to home still), and definitely nothing that is going to make me cry. I have had enough of tears for the time being. What I want is a day to celebrate life and love and family and friends. In fact, lately I have tried to have a lot more time to enjoy all of those things.

Recently, we went out to our very first martini tasting. It was awesome!  We got to see friends we hadn't seen in a while, ate good food, got tipsy and then danced for the first time in ages. We went to a drive in movie with another couple a few weeks before that. Again... we ate good food, snuggled, laughed and had a great time. We went out to dinner at Sticky Fingers (some of the best darn ribs EVER!) with our friend Christina... laughed, had good food (I think that may be a thing with me... I love food) and enjoyed each others company. Life is going on...

That is a thing to think about... Life going on. Once again I am nothing but thankful that life continues, that I have wonderful friends who are as excited to spend time with me as I am with them. And while it may be in the back of all of our minds to wonder how long do we have, or how many more nights together will there be...we don't discuss it. However, I think we treasure each experience more because for once we realize there is a time limit that no one but God knows. I just wish I had known this sooner. I would have eaten more.

Getting in touch with the past

I don't know about any of you, but I am really feeling the need for family more every day. Funny how when you are a teen, you sort of push away from your family as you try to establish who you are. Then you hit your thirties and start to realize that a large part of who you are is where you come from. You look around and see that your great grandparents are mostly gone, your grandparents are slipping away and your parents are people who you are now old enough to appreciate as individuals, not just parents. Your brothers and sisters are no longer the people you fight with, but are now the people you turn to in times of joy and sorrow. Of course, that is just my personal experience. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who kept up those relationships your whole life. Myself... I am working on it right now.

I spent yesterday scanning family photos for my wife. I borrowed the books from her uncle. As I was going through them with her, we realized that she doesn't know the names of many of the relatives pictured, even the names of her great grandparents. She has no stories associated with many of the people in the pictures. And it made me think about something my dad did when I was young. He sat down with my great grandmother Stanojevich and got her talking. She told stories about her mom and dad, her brothers and sisters and sang some songs in her native language. Unfortunately, it was too late to record most of my other great grandparents. Alzheimer's had taken my great grandfather, and senile dementia had the other two remaining great grandmothers.

So, this made me think about what we leave for our children and their children. What do we know about our older generation? What stories are we missing?  What can we do now to preserve that history? What makes this even harder is how fractured our families have become. Divorce, children born out of wedlock, deaths in the family... all these gaps in our connections make it hard to get the narrative of your family. I wonder if I am the only one who wonders about my family's past. I don't mean just the names and other facts, although I know those are important to many. I mean the stories... Like, how did your great grandparents meet? What was it like when he left to go to war and she had to get a job outside the house for the first time? Did his mother like her? Did her father think he would never amount to anything? What about when they came to America, like my great grandparents... was that terrifying? What about the barber shop they owned?

So many questions... And I can't ask them. But I can ask my mom and dad... and when my son has grand kids, they will have some stories to share.